‘My new man compares me to his exes’

Have you gently demonstrated what pushes your buttons? Picture: Steve Lawrence

QUESTION: Everything about my new boyfriend is great on paper: he’s charming, handsome, clever and a hugely successful businessman. However, when we have sex he makes remarks about my occasional failure to have orgasms. According to him, previous partners didn’t have this problem and he seems tetchy at the extra foreplay required to help me climax (sometimes not bothering). Am I really so abnormal?

ANSWER: Your boyfriend doesn’t sound that charming to me and, if he’s so clever, how can he be so dim about the female orgasm? Let’s not forget that a significant number of females find it hard, or impossible, to climax at all.

According to research from the Kinsey Institute, only 29 percent of women report always having an orgasm during sex. Meanwhile the Hite Report famously reported, back in 1976, that 70 percent of women won’t experience a climax via penetrative sex alone.

In fact, the only person with a problem here is your boyfriend. He seems to have a retrogressive attitude to female sexuality and I wonder why. Even if it’s true that all his previous girlfriends climaxed every time via penetrative sex (although this is statistically improbable, especially when you consider that he’s hardly the most considerate lover), that’s no reason to make you feel inadequate in bed.

I do wonder - if he’s as handsome and successful as you say - whether some of his past lovers faked orgasms to keep the relationship going, realising he had scant tolerance for women who didn’t deliver on command. That’s the problem with faking: it can lead men to believe they’re better lovers than is the case.

I note you don’t mention the words kind or patient in the list of adjectives attributed to your man. Is it possible he’s so focused on his own sexual pleasure he doesn’t give a hoot about yours?

It doesn’t sound as if he’s prepared to go out of his way to make you zing. The best lovers are generous in bed and are actively turned on by flipping their partners’ switches. The fact your boyfriend isn’t prepared to go the extra mile augurs badly for your long-term happiness.

If he can’t be bothered with foreplay now, I don’t see him delivering in ten years time. If we give him the benefit of the doubt, it is possible he suffers from insecurity more than from sexual stinginess. He may be one of those men whose professional success, allied to good looks, makes it doubly difficult to admit to inexperience in bed. He certainly doesn’t sound like a man who’s used to admitting to missing the mark.

People who lack erotic confidence can lash out, blaming others before they themselves are identified as the culprit. Perhaps he feels clumsy when he’s called on to do foreplay. Have you gently demonstrated what pushes your buttons? Some men who seem careless and abrasive in bed become kind, attentive lovers if steered past their machismo.

You will never have an equal relationship while you are seeing to his sexual needs, but he is not tending to yours. Only you can make the final call, but passion won’t blossom when one partner makes the other feel a loser in bed. There’s no point in being ‘great on paper’ if you lack largesse in real life.

Circumcision does not affect pleasure - study

FILE - In this photo taken Saturday, June 30, 2013 A Xhosa boy covered with a blanket and smeared with chalky mud sits in a field as he and others undergo traditional Xhosa male circumcision ceremonies into manhood near the home of former South African president Nelson Mandela in Qunu, South Africa. At least 60 males have died at initiation schools in eastern South Africa since the start of the initiation season in May, health officials confirmed. Thirty of them died in the Eastern Cape in the last six weeks, and 300 others were hospitalized with injuries. (AP Photo/Schalk van Zuydam, File)

London - Being circumcised does not affect a man’s sex life, a landmark study has revealed.

Australian scientists analysed nearly 40 studies and concluded that the procedure had no effect on sensitivity or satisfaction.

While some studies have previously reported a negative outcome, these were found to have flaws – and their reliability has been called into question by this latest research.

The most scientifically rigorous studies, however, concluded that circumcision had little, if any, effect.

Lead author of the study, Professor Brian Morris of the University of Sydney, said: “This is a groundbreaking article.

“The health benefits of male circumcision have been well-documented, including substantially lower risks of HIV and other viral and some bacterial sexually transmitted infections.

“It also lowers rates of penile cancer and possibly prostate cancer – and women whose partners are circumcised have lower rates of cervical cancer and infections such as HPV and chlamydia.

“However, there is continued concern that circumcision may reduce male sexual function and pleasure.

“Yet the highest-quality studies suggest that medical male circumcision has no adverse effect on sexual function, sensitivity, sexual sensation, or satisfaction.”

He and his co-researcher John Krieger looked at 36 studies totalling 40 473 men – half circumcised and half were not. Each of the studies was graded in terms of quality, according to official guidelines.

The professors found that the very high-quality studies reported circumcision “had no overall adverse effect on penile sensitivity, sexual arousal, sexual sensation, erectile function, premature ejaculation, duration of intercourse, orgasm difficulties, sexual satisfaction, pleasure, or pain during penetration”.

In contrast, the studies which find negative effects were poor quality, Morris said.

He added: “The methodology was impeccable – it searched all of the conventional publication databases to retrieve all research articles containing relevant data. It then ranked these by quality according to the conventional guidelines.”

The study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, discusses large studies to back up the findings.

One high-quality trial of nearly 3 000 sexually experienced men in Kenya involved them completing a questionnaire at six-monthly intervals up to 24 months after they were circumcised.

At each time point, there were no significant differences in sexual performance or satisfaction in men who were circumcised and those who weren’t.

At 24 months, 99.9 percent of men were satisfied with their circumcisions. In fact, 72 percent of men said sensitivity had increased and 19 percent said it was the same.

Ease of reaching orgasm was greater in 63 percent and the same in 22 percent.

Another large trial, involving 2 250 Ugandan men, found no difference in sexual desire or difficulty in achieving or maintaining an erection. A year after circumcision, 99 percent reported being sexually satisfied. – Daily Mail

How a little injection is improving women's sex lives

Thanks to the open and frank conversations that women are having, vaginal rejuvenation is becoming as commonplace as other cosmetic procedures. Picture: Pixnio

It’s the year of the vagina. At least, that’s what fashion bible Vogue has in mind. One could say it’s a natural progression as #MeToo, fuelled by feminist authors and activists, is on a mission to destigmatise the burgeoning vagina movement with renewed vigour.

Now that women are learning to reclaim their genitalia, it’s a conquest that has been years in the making – literally starting with rejuvenation.

Dr Josh Matambo is one of six experts that specialises in aesthetic gynaecology. Based at the Specialists Centre at Linksfield Hospital in Johannesburg, his services range from improving the appearance of vaginas to providing O shots that heighten the intensity of a woman’s orgasm.

And, according to Matambo, the demand for cosmetic gynae services has risen all over the world.

Celebrities such as Jada Pinkett-Smith and Kourtney Kardashian admitted to having vaginal tightening treatments after giving birth. Pinkett-Smith said on an episode of her Facebook Watch show Red Table Talk: “When I tell you my yoni is like a 16-year-old, I’m not kidding.”

Thanks to the open and frank conversations that women are having, vaginal rejuvenation is becoming as common as other cosmetic procedures.

Many do it for vanity’s sake, but Matambo says the health pay-offs are as important. “I have seen first-hand the distress suffered by many patients who deal with issues related to their vaginas, including vaginal laxity (vaginal looseness) due to childbirth or painful intercourse because of the natural shape of their labia,” added the specialist obstetrician and gynaecologist.

Dr Josh Matambo’s services include improving the appearance of vaginas and providing O Shots that heighten the intensity of a woman’s orgasm. Picture: Supplied

He alludes to the fact that an increasing number of women are going for aesthetic gynaecology treatments to address problems that they were earlier embarrassed to talk about. And take into consideration that these procedures are now more readily accessible and no longer only for the rich.

In 2017, Dr Debby Herbenick, professor of applied science at Indiana University, undertook a study called “Women’s Experiences with Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm”. She surveyed 1 055 American women – ages 18 to 94. What she found was that when it came to full gratification, 36.6 percent of women needed clitoral stimulation during sex.

Not surprisingly, one of the treatments that Matambo specialises in is the O shot. Invented by Dr Charles Runnels, the procedure increases clitoral orgasms. 

“The O shots are very popular amongst younger women. I think it has a lot to do with them taking full control of their sexuality,” replied Matambo on why it has become so popular over recent years.

“Women recognise that sex is not just about pleasing your partner but that you have the right to enjoy it as well.”

How does it work?

An injection is given around the clitoris using platelet rich plasma and/ or collagen. “This has been shown to improve the frequency and intensity of clitoral orgasms if a woman suffers from sexual issues such as low sex drive, difficulty in achieving an orgasm and urinary incontinence,” Matambo said.

It takes about three weeks for the effects of the O shot to kick in and can last for up to 18 months. Unfortunately, because it is cosmetic, your medical aid won’t cover it. But if you’re willing to treat yourself, expect to pay about R7 000.

For those who want to keep things neat and tight down there the natural way, Matambo recommends Kegel exercises, vertical scissors exercises, squats and yoga positions where you elevate the hips. 

“Doing these exercises may help to slow the natural progress of vaginal laxity,” he said.

The unexpected ways sex can affect your eyes

A 29-year-old man temporarily lost his sight after sex Picture: Pexels

Sex may put men’s eyes at risk, according to a case report published in the BMJ in 2017. 

A 29-year-old man temporarily lost his sight after sex — the theory is that men hold their breath to try to delay orgasm, causing a build-up of pressure in the eye. 

This can cause the blood vessels in the eye to burst, triggering a small haemorrhage, and temporary vision loss or blurred vision. Fortunately, as Venki Sundaram, consultant ophthalmologist at Luton and Dunstable NHS University Hospital and Spire Bushey Hospital, explains: ‘This is rare, with the bleeding clearing up and no long-term effect on vision.’

Better known is the fact that when we’re attracted to someone, the pupils get bigger. ‘Pupil dilation can happen because it stimulates our sympathetic nervous system,’ says Sundaram. ‘This sets off a series of impulses from the brain to the eye muscles that control pupil size.’

Want better sex? Try getting better sleep

Image: Flickr

How are sleep and sex related? I’ll state the obvious: We most commonly sleep and have sex in the same location – the bedroom. Less obvious but more important is that lack of sleep and lack of sex share some common underlying causes, including stress. Especially important, lack of sleep can lead to sexual problems and a lack of sex can lead to sleep problems. Conversely, a good night’s sleep can lead to a greater interest in sex, and orgasmic sex can result in a better night’s sleep.

I am a sex educator and researcher who has published several studies on the effectiveness of self-help books in enhancing sexual functioning. I have also written two sexual self-help books, both based in research findings. My latest book, “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – and How to Get It,” is aimed at empowering women to reach orgasm. More pertinent to the connection between sleep and sex, my first book, “A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex,” was written to help the countless women who say they are too exhausted to be interested in sex.

The effect of sleep on sex among women

The reason I wrote a book for women who are too tired for sex is because women are disproportionately affected by both sleep problems and by low sexual desire, and the relationship between the two is indisputable. Women are more likely than men to have sleep problems, and the most common sexual complaint that women bring to sex therapists and physicians is low desire. Strikingly, being too tired for sex is the top reason that women give for their loss of desire.

Conversely, getting a good night’s sleep can increase desire. A recent study found that the longer women slept, the more interested in sex they were the next day. Just one extra hour of sleep led to a 14 percent increase in the chances of having a sexual encounter the following day. Also, in this same study, more sleep was related to better genital arousal.

The effect of sleep on sex among men

Although lack of sleep and stress seems to affect women’s sexual functioning more than men’s, men still suffer from interrelated problems in these areas. One study found that, among young healthy men, a lack of sleep resulted in decreased levels of testosterone, the hormone responsible for much of our sex drive. Another study found that among men, sleep apnea contributed to erectile dysfunction and an overall decrease in sexual functioning. Clearly, among men, lack of sleep results in diminished sexual functioning.

I could not locate a study to prove this, as it stands to reason that the reverse is also true. That is, it seems logical that, as was found in the previously mentioned study among women, for men a better night’s sleep would also result in better sexual functioning.

The effect of sex on sleep

While sleep (and stress) have an effect on sex, the reverse is also true. That is, sex affects sleep (and stress). According to sex expert Ian Kerner, too little sex can cause sleeplessness and irritability. Conversely, there is some evidence that the stress hormone cortisol decreases after orgasm. There’s also evidence that oxytocin, the “love hormone” that is released after orgasm, results not only in increased feelings of connection with a partner, but in better sleep.

Additionally, experts claim that sex might have gender-specific effects on sleep. Among women, orgasm increases estrogen, which leads to deeper sleep. Among men, the hormone prolactin that is secreted after orgasm results in sleepiness.

Translating science into more sleep and more sex

It is now clear that a hidden cause of sex problems is sleeplessness and that a hidden cause of sleeplessness is sex problems. This knowledge can lead to obvious, yet often overlooked, cures for both problems. Indeed, experts have suggested that sleep hygiene can help alleviate sexual problems and that sex can help those suffering from sleep problems.

Perhaps, then, it is no surprise that both sleep hygiene suggestions and suggestions for enhanced sexual functioning have some overlap. For example, experts suggest sticking to a schedule, both for sleep and for sexual encounters. They also recommend decreasing smartphone usage, both before bed and when spending time with a partner. The bottom line of these suggestions is to make one’s bedroom an exclusive haven for the joys of both sleep and sex.

Drug can ward off orgasmic headaches

New York - A type of migraine drug can be helpful for patients who suffer from orgasmic headaches, researchers report.

But anyone who experiences a severe headache upon orgasm for the first time must seek medical attention to ensure that it is not due to a type of bleeding on the brain called subarachnoid hemorrhage, Dr Achim Frese of the University of Munster, Germany, and colleagues advise.

About 1 percent of people are believed to have headaches associated with sexual activity at some point in their lives. There are two types of sex-associated headaches: pre-orgasmic, dull headaches that increase with sexual excitement, and orgasmic headaches, which are sudden, severe headaches that occur upon orgasm and can last for hours.

In the journal Cephalalgia, Frese and colleagues report on seven patients with orgasmic headaches. Among four patients who experienced headaches lasting for longer than two hours, two were successfully treated with triptans. Two of three patients used the drugs successfully as a preventive measure.

The standard preventive treatment for orgasmic headaches has been indomethacin taken 30 to 60 minutes before sex, but many patients can't tolerate the drug's intestinal side effects, Frese and colleagues note. Another drug, propranolol, can be helpful as preventive treatment, they add. One or the other drug is effective in 80 percent of patients.

Based on the experiences of patients in the current report, the authors conclude that triptans can be effective preventive treatment if taken about a half-hour before sex, and can also be used to shorten orgasmic headaches after they have begun, but should only be used if standard treatments aren't effective or tolerable.

Source: Cephalalgia, December 2006.

'My husband can no longer satisfy me'

In an episode of Nip/Tuck Sean and Julia fail to create sparks between the sheets when Julia reveals she's not able to orgasm during their lovemaking.

QUESTION: I had a satisfying love life with my husband for 20 years but, since my late 40s, I have found it difficult to reach orgasm.

I still enjoy making love, but my spouse has become despondent as a result. Last time I suggested sex, he said: “What’s the point?” How can I improve this situation?

ANSWER: The need to “satisfy your partner in bed” drives the headlines of countless women’s magazines, but we often don’t question what true satisfaction entails. People tend to equate it with orgasm — but that can be limiting.

It seems your husband isn’t convinced you can feel happy without reaching orgasm. Many people feel that a large part of their sexual excitement comes from witnessing their partner’s erotic fulfilment.

If your spouse has found it easy to make you climax over 20 years of married life, then it must be a big adjustment to find he can no longer steer you to that peak.

It also seems as if neither of you has thought about the sort of changes that occur naturally in most long-term relationships around middle age.

Many women find their erotic response changes with the run-up to menopause and fluctuating hormone levels.

A long, reassuring conversation is in order. The happiest outcome would be if you could both adjust to the new status quo.

Is it possible that you would benefit from more foreplay? Focus on the erotic journey, rather than the arrival.

Ultimately, this is all about communication and changing your husband’s outlook. At least you can take comfort from the fact your husband is concerned about making the woman he adores feel ecstatic in bed.

New clue reveals how a woman can conceive, and it all comes down to the clitoris

This readies it 'to receive and process sperm to achieve possible fertilisation of the egg.' Picture: Pixabay

London - The clitoris doesn’t exist solely for sexual pleasure but has a reproductive purpose too, an expert claims.

Professor Roy Levin of the University of Sheffield reviewed dozens of studies and concluded that the clitoris helps to create the "best possible conditions" for becoming pregnant.

In the journal Clinical Anatomy, he says that stimulating it activates changes in the reproductive tract.

This readies it "to receive and process sperm to achieve possible fertilisation of the egg." 

The changes include "a shift in the position of the cervix... which prevents semen from travelling into the uterus too rapidly, thus allowing sperm time to become mobile and activated to fertilise the egg."

Professor Levin added: "The often repeated mantra, that the sole function of clitoris is to induce sexual pleasure, is now obsolete – the physiological evidence is obvious."

The clitoris was first mentioned in Western medical literature in 1545, but its sexual function was not recognised until 1559.

When it comes to the intimate body part, a recent study also found that female dolphins may be able to experience the same pleasure from sex as humans.

Scientists found that female bottlenose dolphins have large and well-developed clitorises which are located close to the opening of their vaginas, meaning that any penetration would stimulate them and could cause an orgasm. 

Some scientists believe that working out whether the females in a species can orgasm is a good indication as to whether sex is pleasurable because females do not need to orgasm to become pregnant.