Women Who Have More Sex Have Better Marriages

This might not come as a surprise, but marriages that have more sex in them end up being happier marriages. Actually, this comes as no surprise at all. However, many men and women find themselves in relationships where the sex is seriously lacking. There are actually huge online support communities dedicated to coping with living in a sexless marriage. Some of those communities, like r/DeadBedrooms, are over 40,000 people strong. There’s a lot of reasons why a marriage can suddenly become totally sexless, but anyone who’s been in that kind of marriage will tell you that dealing with that is a special kind of painful, and navigating your marriage and getting it on track is really hard, and for some people, it’s totally impossible. Here’s what you need to know about sexless marriages.

Some married people are actually saying that it was a mistake to get married. Married people who live in sexless marriages find that for them, it’s a nightmarish hellscape. Some married people who find themselves in that situation find themselves starting affairs simply because they can’t bear the fact that their spouses simply refuse to show them that they’re attracted to them sexually anymore.

It’s not really about the sex. The sex is a huge issue, obviously, but people in sexless marriages aren’t really upset about that part of it. What they’re actually upset about is the death of affection in their marriages. For many people, physical affection is vital for a romantic relationship, and they’re simply not getting it. That’s enough to drive some people up the wall.

The definition of a sexless marriage or a dead bedroom is pretty straightforward. A dead bedroom basically amounts to sex 10 or fewer times a year. You’d think that would be really difficult to do, but you’d be wrong, because 15-20% of married couples are dealing with it. Despite the lesbian bed death myth, the people dealing with this the most are actually straight people.

Men aren’t the only ones who want sex. Women are just as likely to get frustrated with the lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage. The online communities where people in dead bedrooms talk about their sexless marriages are very quick to dispel the myth that only men care about sex.

Withholding sex in a relationship is a great way to make your spouse feel really badly about themselves. One woman on a Yuku community board might sound a bit melodramatic and angsty, but her pain is something everyone who’s been in a sexless marriage and wasn’t okay with could relate to. ”I feel … like I die more everyday. I have so much love and real passion to give and it’s not wanted, appreciated, or returned. …The man that loved me is dead. He is like a zombie. … I know my husband is a p*rn addict and is on sex hook up sites yet doesn’t want me. I have men flirt with me everywhere. He makes me feel like an ugly old woman just sitting out in the country waiting to die.”

One common theme here is feeling rejected. Many people dealing with a sexless marriage and trying to bring the sex back find that their spouses really aren’t about it. The rejection ends up really messing with their psyche. “But even when I think the mood is right and I try to initiate, she just brushes me off like I’m a dog trying to hump her leg,” writes one anonymous man.

It wasn’t always that way. Many people find that their relationships were actually quite sexual, but then there was a moment where the sex just kind of tapered off and then it just stopped happening. What really messed with them was the fact that their significant others often didn’t notice that the sex was just missing from their relationship.

More often than not, it’s the person who wants sex back who posts online about it. This is because two people who are okay with not having sex generally won’t see it as an issue. However, if libidos are mismatched or sex just isn’t happening, it’s often the person with a higher libido who's going to talk about it and need the support.

Many people in dead bedroom find that by the time their spouses realize that something’s wrong, they don’t want to fix things anymore. Many men and women have found that when they address the issue of their dead bedroom, their spouses will overcompensate and start having sex more regularly again, only to taper off once more. One Reddit user was beyond angry and hurt when his wife started putting in more of an effort once she realized he was done. 
“I am furious that I let her do this to me. She has destroyed my humanity and what little grace God gave to me at birth. I feel that I am a barely contained walking plague. A stain. She has hurt me so deeply and I cannot get better.”

Not everyone dealing with a dead bedroom is married. Many married people are surprised that a lot of people trying to work through sexless relationships are people who aren’t married. Reddit user Rebreather25 had this to say about that: “I understand the married couples with houses, finances, three kids, etc. having troubles where a divorce is going to be painful on many fronts. I can't understand the childless unmarried couples. Sure, you love him/her, but you have been together two years or so and already have DB. Leave. Find somebody else.”

People who have lower sex drives have also weighed in. It takes two people to make a sexless marriage, so more often than not partners of forum users will talk about their issues with their marriages. One woman on Reddit was aware that she wasn’t initiating sex anymore, but she had her own side of the story that was worth hearing. “I’m tempted to just take him up on the divorce thing, I think that’s what is coming. We’ve done a couple of rounds of couples’ therapy without much success. I can’t speak for him but my desire to compromise has probably out-plummeted my libido over the years. I still love talking to him, spending time with him, we have a lot in common (thankfully no kids) but his attempt to once again place the blame for our failed sex life squarely on my shoulders really flared up a nasty ball of resentment in me that is unfair to both of us.”

While people do stick it out, many people do choose to leave. Throughout different forums, men and women tell their stories about leaving their marriages to find a relationship where they feel appreciated. One anonymous man on Reddit told his story, and how he went from being in an abusive relationship to being in a loving relationship. “My dead bedroom was a self-defeating, soul crushing cycle that was never going to get any better. I know that now. In the final throes my wife confessed that she hasn't had any sexual desire in years, even during the times where she would initiate. Everybody deserves to be loved. Don't be like me and stick around for 12 years. Leave if you can, or find some other way to bring yourself happiness. You deserve it.”

Other people simply have affairs. There are countless people dealing with this situation who find that having an affair allows them to be there for their kids and for their spouses while still getting everything else that they need. While having an affair is really frowned upon and is very much breaking the sanctity of marriage, these people do it because they believe their spouses messed up the marriage and the vows because they withhold affection.

Everyone else finds that they have a choice to make. They find that they feel like they have to choose between leaving someone they really love and consider a friend, and living with little to know romantic and sexual affection. Needless to say, many people simply find themselves at a loss, because all the advice boils down to leaving as soon as they can, but they can’t forget that they love their spouses.

It goes without saying that women who have more sex have better marriages. That’s because literally everyone having more sex within their marriages are going to have happier marriages. This is why dealing with a sexless marriage is that more painful, because they know a huge piece of what makes a romantic relationship great is missing. For people dealing with sexless relationships, there is hope, whether through working through the issues in your current relationship or moving on to a new one.