We’ve all heard of the idea that sexual monogamy isn’t biologically natural. But now, there’s a modern twist to it: Not only is sexual monogamy not inherently “normal,” it can also take a tax on the human libido. Actually, we should clarify — a non-polyamorous relationship can kill the libido, specifically. We know what you're thinking: As if men needed more excuses to sleep around. Still, there is some concrete research to back the theory up. Unfortunately. Here, we take a look at how and why sexually monogamous relationships decrease the male sex drive.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. In a piece titled “An Inconvenient Truth: Sexual Monogamy Kills Male Libido,” co-author of the New York Times best seller, “Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, And What It Means for Modern Relationships,” Christopher Ryan, Ph.D., suggests that being in a monogamous, long-term relationship decreases a male’s sex drive. In other words, being with the same person for a long period of time can inherently make you — assuming you’re a man— not want to have sex with your partner.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Ryan states that for most guys in long-term sexually monogamous relationships, a consistent decrease in libido has everything to do with biology and hormones — regardless of the particular partner they’re with. This means that even the sexually-mongamous husband of the most beautiful woman on the planet will start to stray at some point or another.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Why? Because human beings are evolved for sex lives featuring multiple simultaneous sexual partners, according to Ryan. This is especially true when it comes to — yep, you guessed it — men.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. "Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty,” Ryan says, adding that, "Boys will be boys, and men will be the way they are, despite the many ways our society tries to make them change.”
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. In 1979, Ryan notes, anthropologist Donald Symons said: “Human males seem to be so constituted that they resist learning not to desire variety despite impediments such as Christianity and the doctrine of sin; Judaism and the doctrine of mensch; social science and the doctrines of repressed homosexuality and psychosexual immaturity; evolutionary theories of monogamous pair-bonding; cultural and legal traditions that support and glorify monogamy.”
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. What Symons is basically saying is that men will risk a lot — heck, they’ll even risk it all — to have sex with someone other than their partner. Need we name the overwhelming amount of public scandals involving public male figures cheating on their wives with younger mistresses? We didn’t think so.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Ryan explains that there are two common misconceptions about men who face a decrease in libido while in a sexually monogamous relationship. The first, is that there’s something wrong with them. He writes: "There’s something wrong with men who experience flagging libido in the context of a long-term sexually monogamous relationship (they’re emotionally immature victims of the dreaded Peter Pan Complex, they have issues with their mother, they’re addicted to porn, they’re afraid of emotional commitment, etc.)."
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. And the second, is that there’s some easy, wonderful way to take on the problem that’ll make it simply disappear. "There’s some magical way to address this problem that’ll make it go away,” he says. But in Ryan's words, these two misconceptions are, “Wrong and wronger.”
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. At the beginning of the sexual revolution in 1964, Masters and Johnson pointed out that “Loss of coital interest engendered by monotony in a sexual relationship is probably the most constant factor in the loss of an aging male’s interest in sexual performance with his partner.” In other words, routine sex bores men — to the point where they no longer have the desire for it.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Masters and Johnson further said that, “such a man may be rejuvenated by having sexual intercourse with a younger woman, although the young woman may not be as adept a lover as his wife.” But as Ryan notes, "Our research suggests that the age of the other woman is less important to this effect than is her otherness.”
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. The reality of the situation is that all sexually monogamous couples — who have been together for more than a few years — have experienced a mismatch of sexual desire. "Sexual desire fluctuates for each of us in accordance with many factors: seasons, work and financial pressures, pregnancy and child-care issues, the death or suffering of loved ones, overall physical health, age, etc.,” Ryan says.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. In terms of other research which says that a mismatch of desire need result in loss of all intimacy, Ryan calls the belief “absurd and destructive.” "To be sure, sex can be an important part of intimacy, but it is not the essence of intimacy itself,” he explains.
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. "In fact, high-libido sex can easily be an expression of the utter absence of true intimacy: the notorious one-night stand,” he continues. "Couples who do not understand this are unlikely to survive for long.”
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Ryan adds: "In fact, couples might find themselves having the most meaningful conversations ever if they have the courage to talk openly about these fluctuations in desire… to make it easier for couples to make their way across this difficult emotional terrain together, with a deeper, less judgmental understanding of where these inconvenient feelings come from and a more informed, emotionally mature approach to dealing with them."
Monogamous relationships decrease sex drive. Is it just men who experience this decrease in libido, however? Maybe not. "If the truth be known women go through the same thing,” one woman commented on the post. "After years and years of really good sex with my partner I lost interest but still loved him. An occasional fling is good for my own libido! Practice safe sex and all is well — and sex with my partner sparks again."
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