7 ways to put yourself first during sex

While conversations surrounding sex and consent seem to have been opened up much more over the past few years, female pleasure is still a somewhat taboo subject. 

When it comes to action between the sheets, everyone deserves to have a fun and pleasurable experience, but sometimes it can feel a lot easier to fake an orgasm and go to sleep. It can be difficult to tell a partner you’re not really enjoying yourself in bed but there are ways to prioritise your pleasure and get to know your body a little better.

Everyone deserves a full and fulfilling sex life. And if you want to prioritise your pleasure there are things you can do to get into the habit of doing to look after yourself.

Get to know your body

If you find it difficult to explain what you’d like with a partner then educating yourself may help. It also empowers you to be a bit more explorative on your own. Don't be afraid to learn as much as possible about your body and your pleasure.

Setting a bit of time aside to woo yourself may sound cheesy but it could also show you exactly what you like when it comes to your pleasure. While I can remember male masturbation being talked and joked about all the way through school, female masturbation was always portrayed as more shameful. 

Think about what you want

Sex and pleasure can and should be fun. There’s so much that you can do in the bedroom, both with a partner and alone. If you find yourself with a fantasy that you’d like to fulfill describe what you’d like to explore in detail, as everyone’s kinks can have their own parameters, specific to that person. 

Address expectations too, and what you’d like to get out of it. For example if hair pulling is your kink, describe - or even demonstrate on him - how hard you want him to pull. The more direction you give, the better they can give you what you want. And it’ll be safest.

Give yourself time

When you’re in bed with someone and they keep letting you know they’re going to climax or ask you if you’ve finished yet, there's a lot of temptation to fake an orgasm or give up altogether. 

But if you know what turns you on and your partner isn’t doing it, try and guide them so you’re getting more out of the sexual experience. Of course, the end goal of sex doesn't always have to be an orgasm, but you deserve to enjoy the encounter as much as your partner.

Look after yourself outside of the bedroom

There’s so much that contributes to the quality of your sex life, including diet and exercise. Not only does exercise improve your physique and mental health but it could also be the answer to a dwindling sex life. 

The Flo website says “A 20-minute run or cycle can help increase your blood flow and lubrication, making it easier for you to become aroused and ultimately, climax. Fitness can be a good option for those who have a low libido and want to increase their physiological arousal without medication.”

Address any anxieties

Sometimes your partner can be doing all the right things in the bedroom but, if you’re stuck in your own head, there’s no way you’ll reach climax. 

Anxiety and overthinking in the bedroom is incredibly common and Professor Lori Brotto from the Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology at the University of British Columbia told meditation organisation Headspace that “the most common predictors and causes of sexual dysfunction in women are: stress, multi-tasking, poor body image, depression, anxiety, relationship concerns, and fatigue.” 

If you are experiencing any of these, addressing them may be the first step to improving your time in the bedroom.

Understand you deserve it

One of the most important things when it comes to understanding your own pleasure and getting a partner to appreciate it too is understanding that you deserve a full sex life and your pleasure is as important as any any one else's.

That's how much time you'll need for foreplay

Most people know the power of foreplay. But now experts have calculated the exact amount of time that is needed before getting to the main event. 

Six minutes is what you'll need to dedicate to foreplay and sex play before going full throttle into having actual sex.

The six-minute rule applies particularly to heterosexual couples. 

How exactly they got to this number? It's all in the data. According to  The Sun, a study of 1 500 Canadians found that people of all sexualities who participated in "pre-sex affectionate behaviour" which lasted at least six minutes were more likely to feel "very sexually satisfied."

Commisioned by Trojan condoms and the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada, the study revealed the majority of men agreed that they enjoyed the six-minute rule, but they could still reach an orgasm without - compared to 61 percent of women.

“Six minutes is a critical time, people who are the most satisfied in their encounters are doing a variety of activities," Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor at the University of Guelph, told  Refinery29.

"People who are the most satisfied in their encounters are doing a variety of activities.

"It’s a simple thing that people can do in their relationships that doesn't cost any money."

Other findings in the study included that 56 percent of men and 55 percent of women were more satisfied if they engaged in post-sex affectionate behaviour, such as cuddling, kissing and general affection.

So if you really want to experience mind-blowing sex, next time use the six-minute rule.

12 Techniques Women Use To Have An Orgasm, According To OMGyes

According to a 2016 study of over 52,000 U.S. adults published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, only 65% of women can orgasm during sex. But when it comes to how often men can orgasm during sex, we’re looking at a whopping 95%. So unfair, right? That's why the world needs OMGyes.

OMGyes is an online site where both men and women can get the tips they need to make reaching an orgasm a reality. Although there are many reasons why a woman can’t orgasm during sex, much of it often has to do with the fact that 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to climax. If that stimulation isn’t just right, achieving an orgasm can be tricky business.


As Mic reports, OMGyes cofounder Rob Perkins was having a chat with his friend and fellow cofounder of OMGyes, Lydia Daniller, about just how elusive the female orgasm can be. Yes, we know it exists, but it’s the actual harnessing of it, and harnessing of it every time that seems to be the issue. Daniller told Mic:

We're experiencing something of a hangover from our previous generation, where it's still hard for people to see women as sexual beings on their own. It's fairly new that women are seen as having their own desires.

So Perkins and Daniller did what anyone would do in the name of trying to bring more attention to the female orgasm: They talked to hundreds of people about techniques, desires, and basically what gets them off. In 2015, they got together with researchers at Indiana University to poll over 1,000 women between 18 and 95, to get their input on what works for them. They were even able to enlist 30 people willing to demonstrate their favorite techniques on camera.

"The focus of OMGyes is actually not orgasm but pleasure," Naomi Sorbet, manager of content research for OMGyes and For Goodness Sake, tells Bustle. "The stories of thousands of women have clued us in to just how many aspects of sexual pleasure there are— each with techniques that can make it feel even better.

In 2019, that 1,000 women jumped to 20,000 women that OMGyes was able to survey and interview, according to Sorbet. Basically, no stone has been left unturned.

Not only did they get the insight they were looking for, but they were also able to put names to the various techniques that women use to make themselves come, either solo or with a partner. Then it was all compiled into a video that can be watched on OMGyes, because sharing the goods on this topic is important business.

6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms

Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of a happy ending:

1. Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.

The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.

2. Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as a whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.

3. Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.

4. Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.

The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies.

5. Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is not routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candlelight, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.

6. Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.”
Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.

Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.

Mental Health Resources and Self-Care Tips FOR THE BLACK COMMUNITY

We are on the cusp of a civil rights revolution. This isn’t another social media hashtag trend that will fade out when the newest thing hits. For most of us, this is an extremely emotional time of shock, enlightenment, rage, passion, love, and trauma. Many white people are experiencing a second-hand wave of shame, horror, and deliberate action. But non-POC will never truly be able to know the trauma that Black people and many POC have been living through for centuries.
Right now is an atrocious, beautiful, and long overdue time, but we are far from finished with this kind of work. This is just the catalyst for the years to come—years of actively reinforcing what some of us are just now learning today. The hope is that future generations of Black people and POC can read about the hardships in history class, in disbelief that a world so backwards could hide in plain sight for so long.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Galvan knows that until then, the Black community also needs mental health support to cope and to heal. This grueling work is, in and of itself, no easy task. But there are some simple, inexpensive places to start. Dr. Galvan outlined some self-care tips to heed while fighting for justice, and we’ve listed additional resources at the end:

“Take care of your own needs

It is so important to maintain focus on your basic self-care needs while being flooded with social media chats, television news, and your own feelings. Make sure you’re prioritizing yourself by setting reminders to do simple things such as drinking water, eating meals, and getting enough sleep at night. You need your physical and mental health to increase stamina and energy during this time.

Get active

A great way to process feelings is to let them pour out through physical and/or creative activity. Things like working out, dancing, painting, drawing, cooking, and baking can help release some tension from the body and help sort out your thoughts. It also helps keep the mind and body focused on the present moment.

Connect with the Black community

It’s important to use this time to connect with people who can remind you that you are not alone in what you’re feeling. Connecting in person or through more social-distance-friendly ways including social media pages, podcasts, and books will allow you to connect with others who can empathize with your grief and provide support.

Monitor your media exposure

Although it is imperative to stay informed and aware of what is happening right now, be mindful of how checking the news or social media can become a habit and maybe even addictive sometimes. Try giving yourself designated time slots throughout the day to check the news and be informed, such as 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. This way you can continue to be updated while also preventing yourself from becoming overly anxious and overwhelmed.

Repeat positive affirmations

If affirmations are something that appeal to you, begin by choosing one that feels suitable to your feelings and repeat it often to yourself as a way of staying grounded. The feelings of sadness and anger can become overpowering, and repeating positive affirmations help bring you back to center. Some examples include: ‘Even though I feel enraged and saddened by these horrific acts of racism, I know my feelings are valid and my voice can still be heard’ or ‘I am confident and hopeful that change will come as long as we keep the momentum moving forward.'”

The Best Position (for Most Women) to HAVE INTERNAL ORGASMS

As a mom of two and a pelvic floor trainer, I talk to more women about sex than most. And what do I hear? Women are often not having the sex lives they wish. They’re tired and not feeling engaged with their partner, they just want to “get it over with” or even avoid sex altogether. Lots of women don’t orgasm during intercourse without clitoral stimulation. Just this week a woman told me, “I have never had an orgasm.” Too many women are not only not having orgasms from intercourse, but not climaxing at all.
This is not how it has to be. While clitoral orgasms are amazing, G-spot orgasms are a different kind of incredible orgasm, and most of us are capable of having them. G-spot stimulation can not only lead to vaginal orgasms but also multiple orgasms, alone or in conjunction with clitoral stimulation.
If you are reading and are one of the women not orgasming, I want you to know I used to be right there with you. I had never had vaginal orgasms, let alone multiple orgasms, until I fixed my pelvic floor dysfunction through pelvic floor training. That literally changed it all for me. In order for most women to have vaginal orgasms, including multiple ones, position and movement are key. Trust me, once you know how to get there, you will not want to go back … and neither will your partner.
Now let’s get started on helping you achieve those orgasms you deserve!
POSITION

Position is key. It is by far the easiest, for most women, to have an orgasm from intercourse if they are on top. This allows their hips and nerve pathways to be the most open, helping them climax. You might be thinking: but I hate being on top, it is exhausting and can be vulnerable. So read on to discover how to not feel tired or awkward but instead revved up, powerful, and climaxing.

MOVES TO HELP YOU GET THERE

While lots of partners love an up and down motion, instead try these two tried and true moves, which can be done facing your partner or turned away from your partner while on top (reverse cowgirl). The moves also are much easier and less tiring to do for a long period of time, leaving you energy to keep going and reap the benefits over and over. This will help you stimulate your G-spot to get you those vaginal orgasms.

MOVE 1:


The BEST move to help you achieve internal orgasms is the front-to-back pelvic tilt (see video). Using that motion—sitting tall on top of your partner instead of a stability ball—stimulates the front of your vaginal wall and the internal structure of your clitoris, which can help push you over the edge into those deep internal orgasms you’ve been wanting to have. Stay relaxed and keep doing the pelvic tilts, focusing on going from neutral to a front pelvic tilt. Take your time, there is no rush! This should be pleasurable, not stressful. Once you have one orgasm, keep going—more could be just around the corner. You can also try adding mild clitoral stimulation to enhance your arousal as you feel your way through the process.
MOVE 2:

The other move to help you achieve internal climax is hip circles (see video). Again, move as you do on the stability ball, sitting up tall, rotating your hips in small circles. You can circle your hips continuously in one direction or change it up and alternate directions. Besides helping you climax, it will drive your partner wild—not only will the motion feel incredible for him, but you will also look sexy and powerful. Again, don’t stop once you climax. Both of these moves can help you orgasm over and over.
If you still aren’t getting there with the tips above and the Five Vagina Exercises for Better Sex, know that the stronger and more responsive your pelvic floor is, the easier you will achieve climax, whether internal, clitoral, or blended. Pelvic floor training on a consistent basis can help you have orgasms and potentially even multiple orgasms. While you can’t visually see the results of training your pelvic floor as we can our thighs or our triceps, there are many amazing benefits, and mind-blowing orgasms and sex are at the top of that list for me.Courtney Virden has been a fitness trainer for nearly 20 years and specializes in women’s health and wellness. Being a mom of two and experiencing many issues from her own pregnancies led her to focus on women’s pelvic floors. With her passion for helping others, Courtney created an online program to share the tools and resources she uses with her private clients.
The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

Why do women have orgasms?

The reason for the female orgasm has long eluded scientists. Men need them for reproduction; women don't. So why do female orgasms exist?
Scientists studying this issue are divided, said David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Penn State University. Some scientists think female orgasms are totally purposeless. But evidence suggests that they may have once helped (and perhaps still help) us survive and reproduce.

One theory holds that women have orgasms because men have them, said Kimberly Russell, an ecologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Some researchers argue that female orgasms exist because as fetuses, we all start out with the same basic parts, regardless of sex. Orgasms in women, like nipples on men, just happen to stick around.
Related: What's an orgasm?
"It might be an anatomical bonus," she told Live Science. In this scenario, the orgasm didn't evolve specifically for females, and it might not serve a specific evolutionary function for them.
But there's a problem with the argument that orgasms have no function, said Patricia Brennan, an evolutionary biologist at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts. It's not adaptive for our bodies to devote too much energy to traits, like nipples, that aren't beneficial. These traits tend to disappear or become less pronounced over time. That's far from the case for female orgasms, she said. According to the Kinsey Institute, female orgasms tend to last longer than male orgasms and can occur multiple times in a row — something that's rare in men. In other words, female orgasms use a lot of energy for a trait that supposedly has no function, she said.
Plus, there's nothing diminished about the anatomical structures involved in the female orgasm, Brennan noted.
The clitoris, a highly sensitive part of the female genitals that has a key role in orgasms, is homologous to the penis. Like male and female nipples, they grow from the same anatomical structure. But contrary to popular belief, Brennan told Live Science, "a clitoris is not just a mini penis."

The human clitoris has “structures that are incredibly well developed,” Brennan said. "To me, that screams selection."
There are multiple theories about how, exactly, the female orgasm helped our ancestors pass on their genes. Although women don't need to have an orgasm to conceive, some research suggests that wasn't always the case. Many female mammals, including rabbits and cats, ovulate only when they mate. Based on an analysis of how traits have been passed down through the tree of life, one study published in the Journal of Experimental Zoology found that our female ancestors probably needed orgasms in order to reproduce.
But again, this theory doesn't explain why orgasms stuck around in women, Brennan said.
"If orgasms evolved for some adaptive reason, but they're no longer adaptive, they should have disappeared. And clearly they haven't gone away," Brennan said.
Some research suggests that orgasms still create the perfect conditions for conception — even if they're not necessary to ovulate. One study found that women who had orgasms close to when their male partner did actually "upsucked" more sperm into their bodies compared with women who had orgasms much earlier or later than their partner. Scientists have even tried to draw correlations between the number of orgasms a woman has and the number of children she has. But the evidence for these hypotheses is shaky and doesn't draw a direct causal link between orgasms and conception, Puts told Live Science.
Plus, these theories leave a major question unanswered, Russell said. What if the orgasm has nothing to do with reproduction? What if, instead, it evolved only for pleasure?
Sex doesn't have to feel good for reproduction to take place, Russell said. "We know this from looking at animals! Sex can be very uncomfortable and still gets done," she said. But culturally, the idea that sex might be for more than just babies is somewhat of a taboo topic, Russell said.
Sex that feels good for both males and females has an important social role, Russell said. It relieves stress and helps partners bond. Ancestral humans might have engaged in sex to create more cohesive groups, smoothing over conflict and cementing their social network. We see these behaviors in other primates, like bonobos, who might use sex to help dispel a fight over a tasty piece of fruit or even a clan rivalry, the BBC reports. It follows from this argument that evolutionarily, female orgasms might have acted as a kind of social glue.
That pleasure alone is enough to make a trait adaptive goes against popular conceptions of why sex, and orgasms, exist. But for Brennan, it makes perfect sense. "To experience pleasure — that seems evolutionarily like a good idea," she said.

Does the Vaginal Orgasm Exist? Experts Debate

Mounting evidence suggests that there are multiple pathways to orgasm for women, but not all researchers are convinced.
(Image: © YuriyZhuravov, Shutterstock)

  
It's a debate that's been running since at least the days of Sigmund Freud: Can women climax from vaginal stimulation alone? And is there any difference between so-called clitoral and vaginal orgasms?
Now, a new series of essays lays out the evidence that vaginal and clitoral orgasms are, in fact, separate phenomena, activating different areas of the brain and perhaps revealing key psychological differences between women. 

"We have plenty of evidence regarding the difference between the two main orgasms, clitoral and vaginally activated orgasm," said Emmanuele Jannini, a professor of endocrinology at the University of Aquila in Italy. Jannini organized and contributed to the essay series, published online March 28 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
Evidence for orgasms
Arguably, unraveling the mystery of whether vaginal orgasms exist should be simple: Ask women if they have them. But in practice, it's a bit harder to tease out the exact sexual stimulation that leads to orgasm. [Sex Quiz: Myths, Taboos & Bizarre Facts]
French gynecologist Odile Buisson argues in her Journal of Sexual Medicine essay, for example, that the front wall of the vagina is inextricably linked with the internal parts of the clitoris; stimulating the vagina without activating the clitoris may be next to impossible. Thus, "vaginal" orgasms could be clitoral orgasms by another name.
Other research, however, would tend to suggest two distinct types of female orgasm. Barry Komisaruk of Rutgers University has conducted multiple studies in which women masturbate while having their brains scanned with a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine. The results show which sensory brain areas activate in response to stimulation.
"If the vagina stimulation is simply working via clitoral stimulations, then vaginal stimulation and clitoral stimulation should activate the exact same place in the sensory cortex," Komisaruk told LiveScience. "But they don't."

In fact, Komisaruk reports in the journal, the brain areas for clitoral, cervical and vaginal stimulation cluster together but only overlap slightly, like a "cluster of grapes."
And then there is other evidence for multiple types of orgasms: Women report that vaginal and clitoral orgasms feel different. Women with spinal cord injury that cuts off all communication between the clitoris and the brain can still have orgasms with vaginal stimulation. Some lucky ladies can even "think" themselves to orgasm with no stimulation at all. (There are also reports of women orgasming from tough abdominal workouts at the gym.)

"[O]rgasm in women is in the brain, it is felt in many body regions, and it can be stimulated from many body regions as well as from imagery alone," wrote Rutgers University professor emerita Beverly Whipple, one of the discovers of the also-controversial "G-spot," an area on the front vaginal wall that may be particularly sensitive to sexual stimulation.
The meaning of an orgasm
If the origin of the orgasm is controversial, so, too, is the purpose of this reflex. Whipple's research has suggested that the sensitive G-spot has a pain-blocking function during labor; when the baby's head is stretching out the vaginal walls, it might be advantageous to have a little relief. Her studies have found that when pressure is applied to the G-spot, a woman's pain threshold shoots up 47 percent. In other words, it takes a lot more pain before the woman says "ouch."
If the G-spot stimulation is pleasurable, Whipple and her colleagues found, the pain threshold increases by 84 percent compared with no stimulation, and during orgasm, that threshold hits a whopping 107 percent.
Most provocatively, some research links vaginal-only orgasms with both physical and mental health. The research is correlational, so it's not entirely clear whether healthier women are prone to vaginal orgasms, whether vaginal orgasms somehow promote health, or whether some unknown factor links the two.
For instance, one study found women who have vaginal orgasms have a lower resting heart rate than those who don't. Other research has found women who orgasm without clitoral stimulation are less likely on average to use certain maladaptive psychological coping mechanisms, said Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of West Scotland who has conducted this research. Among these mechanisms are somatization (psychological symptoms manifesting as physical complaints), displacement (displacing an emotion about one person or object onto another), and isolation of affect (disconnecting emotions from experiences).
"Impairment of specifically vaginal orgasm is associated with a variety of other psychological impairments," Brody told LiveScience. The findings aren't meant as a value judgment on women who don't experience vaginal orgasms, he said. But given that some research suggests teaching women that orgasms originate only with the clitoris results in fewer vaginal-only orgasms, Brody argues that this kind of anti-vaginal sex advice could count as "malpractice." [5 Myths About Women's Bodies]
Busting myths
Brody's data is strong, Rutgers' Komisaruk said, though he is a controversial figure in the field given his emphatic interpretations of the benefits of vaginal orgasms.
But one orgasm myth that all researchers agree should be kicked out of the bedroom is that the vagina is insensitive. This idea started spreading due to early sexologist Alfred Kinsey, who reported that women failed to respond to the sensation of a cotton wisp rubbed along their vaginal walls.
But Kinsey's own data shows that more than 90 percent of the women felt it when pressure was applied to their vaginal walls, Komisaruk said. Somehow, that fact fell by the wayside, and Kinsey and company sparked the misconception that the vagina and cervix have no feeling at all.
New fMRI studies and more sophisticated understandings of anatomy are unraveling what Jannini called a woman's "very complicated machinery." Nonetheless, Jannini cautioned, women who don't orgasm vaginally should not feel inferior.
"A woman should have an understanding — who is she, how is her body composed, what is the possibility of her body, but she should not be looking for something like a race, like a game, like a duty," Jannini said. "Looking for the G-spot orgasm or the vaginal orgasm as a need, as a duty, is the best way to lose the happiness of sex."

Is it possible to have too much sex?

Dear Alice,
Is it possible to have too much sex? I didn't see any content on nymphomania. Could you please explain it? Is it considered a disease or something? I'm beginning to think it's a bad thing having too much sex, but it's difficult to consider giving it up; just a mini vacation seems forever and this is for both of us!
J
Dear J,
There isn't a magic number to answer the question, "How much sex is too much?” Medically speaking, there is no definition of too much sex, just as there is no medical definition for nymphomania (more on that in a bit). Religion, culture, family values, personal feelings, and choice help define what each individual considers "enough" or "too much" sex. Generally speaking, frequency of sex is something to be negotiated with your partner(s). People have different sex drives and what might be too much sex for one person could be just the right amount for another. Having conversations about preferences and needs can help ensure that everyone involved is engaged in the amount of sex that feels right for them. Additionally, there are many ways to define sex. Do you mean penetrative sex? Oral sex? Something else? If for you “too much sex” means many different partners, then there are some specific risks to consider such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs), although using barrier methods and getting tested can mediate them.
Sex itself, when it’s consensual and mutually enjoyable, isn’t unhealthy. In fact, it can be good physical activity! Research found that sex stretches and strengthens the body, and when people engage in “moderately frequent sex,” they’re likely to have lower cardiovascular risk than people who are less sexually active. The results also showed that men who have a lot of sex may experience increased risk of cardiovascular issues, but it’s worth noting that the study was conducted among older participants who already had a higher likelihood of dealing with cardiovascular disease due to other causes.
Since you asked, nymphomania isn't a disease, nor is it a clinical condition. The term started in medieval times as a derogatory way to reference women who were seen as “sexually promiscuous.” The nymphomania label is based on the perception of what frequency of sexual activity is appropriate, rather than a medical or agreed upon standard. The term has survived until now, and it’s still used to label women who are deemed “promiscuous.” For men, the equivalent is known as Satyriasis or Don Juanism.

A few questions to consider are: what makes you think you could be having “too much” sex? Do you feel bad or guilty when you have sex? Does it feel uncomfortable (i.e., have you developed chafing as a result of sex)? Are you tending to your responsibilities? Are you still eating and sleeping? Have you been seeing your friends and been having fun? Answering these questions could be a good start to help you define what you might consider to be "too much," and identify what you see as being potentially negative about it.
When having sex results in the neglect of other key facets of life (e.g., working, socializing, and sleeping), it may be considered a compulsion. Sexual compulsivity includes any sexual behavior done in an obsessive, uncontrollable, or irrational way that can become self-destructive. Sexual compulsion may include a high frequency of sex, a wide number of partners, or even excessive masturbation. People with this diagnosis may feel, and indeed may have, little or no control over sex, and sometimes individuals seek out support from a mental health professional, which may include counseling or medication. Again, the major criterion here is when sexual activity interferes with daily activities or responsibilities. For most people with a high sex drive there’s no problem finding balance between responsibilities and sexy time.
If you still think you're having “too much” sex or if sex is getting in the way of daily activities, you may want to speak with a mental health professional. However, it's very possible that nothing is amiss about how much sex you're having, so as long as it's consensual and you're comfortable with it. In that case, enjoy!
Take care,

HPV vaccine for genital warts and cervical cancer

Dear Alice,
I recently began hearing rumors about an HPV vaccine in the works. Do you know anything about the HPV vaccines being tested and when they might be available? Also, will the vaccines cure HPV or just prevent it? Thanks in advance.
Yours,
J
Dear J,
Those rumors are true! In 2006, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first vaccine (of three) that protects against the four human papillomavirus (HPV) strains most associated with cervical cancer and genital warts. Two strains, HPV-6 and HPV-11, are responsible for approximately 90 percent of genital warts, while two others, HPV-16 and HPV-18, cause approximately 70 percent of cases of cervical cancer. The most recent vaccine not only protects against nine strains, but can also be administered to people aged nine through 45. Though these vaccines are a great tool in preventing HPV-related disease, keep in mind that they don’t cure HPV.
While there are three FDA-approved HPV vaccines on the market, only one is available for use in the US (the other two are still available for use worldwide). The 9vHPV, or Gardasil 9, vaccine is the only one currently on the market in the US. It was approved in 2014 and gives protection against the same four strains as the original vaccine (HPV-6, HPV-11, HPV-16, and HPV-18), as well as five additional HPV strains (HPV-31, HPV-33, HPV-45, HPV-52, and HPV-58). These five strains cause approximately 15 percent of cervical cancers. Additionally, this vaccine has the potential to prevent 90 percent of cervical, vulvar, vaginal, and anal cancers.

Though the age cutoff was previously 26 years old, the FDA has now approved the use of the vaccine up to the age of 45, regardless of the gender of the recipient. The vaccine is given as a series of injections over a period of time, and no serious side effects have been reported. To maximize its effectiveness, it’s recommended that the vaccine be administered prior to becoming sexually active, so there’s less chance the person has already been exposed to the virus. With that being said, people may still receive the vaccines regardless of sexual activity, history of genital warts, an abnormal Pap test or HPV test, or precancerous cells within the genital area. The vaccines may protect against strains that haven't already been acquired by those people. The Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) offers these recommendations for vaccine administration:
For those that initiate the vaccination before their 15th birthday, two doses of HPV is the recommended schedule, with the second shot given six to twelve months following the first.
For those that initiate after their 15th birthday, three doses is recommended, with the second shot one to two months after the first shot, and the third shot six months after the first.
For those who are considered immunocompromised, three doses is recommended.
As is common with new vaccines, it's unclear at this point how long the protection will last, though ongoing studies aim to determine long-term efficacy of the vaccine. Researchers plan to follow up with young people who’ve been vaccinated up to ten years after completing the immunization series to determine their HPV status at that time.
Though these vaccines may prevent some diseases or conditions caused by certain strains of HPV, they don't protect against other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). As such, it may be wise to consider using condoms or other barrier methods (such as dams) during sex to reduce the risk of STI transmission. Receiving the vaccine doesn’t mean there’s no longer a need for regular Pap tests — even with the vaccine, it's still possible to get some strains of HPV. Pap tests are a great tool for detecting pre-cancerous or cancerous changes in the cervix, and the early treatment for cervical cancer or pre-cancer can be very effective. If you’re interested in getting vaccinated, talk with your health care provider to learn more about your options. For more information about HPV and other STIs, check out the Go Ask Alice! Sexually Transmitted Infections category in the Sexual & Reproductive Health archives.
Alice!

Am I pregnant?

Dear Anxious,
It’s not unusual for the possibility of pregnancy to stir up some anxiety. Taking a store-bought urine pregnancy test is a quick and accurate way to know your pregnancy status and to plan next steps. And while feeling queasy in the morning can certainly be a symptom of pregnancy, nausea and the "moving" feeling in your intestines could also be linked to having a stomach bug, food poisoning, a food sensitivity, or a number of other conditions that aren’t related to pregnancy at all. If you're a college student, your student health center may offer pregnancy tests. Costs may vary based on how your school funds its health services and your insurance, and as required by law, the services they provide you would be confidential unless you tell them otherwise. That being said, since it was only last week, it may be too soon to detect on a pregnancy test.
Some people may experience pregnancy-related nausea and vomiting (often called morning sickness) as early as two weeks after conception, but others may not. Keep in mind that early symptoms of pregnancy vary from person to person and pregnancy to pregnancy. Even if some signs point to "yes," you won't know until you take a pregnancy test and find out for sure. 
When used correctly, urine pregnancy tests are 99 percent accurate and can help quell your anxiety or allow you to proactively plan out next steps for carrying out or terminating a pregnancy. To ensure accuracy, make sure you read the instructions and follow them as closely as possible. You may also find peace of mind visiting a health care provider to confirm a positive home pregnancy test.
Urine pregnancy tests are most accurate after your period is late, even if the label says it can detect pregnancy prior to a missed period. There’s no harm in taking a pregnancy test at any time. However, be aware that if you haven’t missed your period yet, you’re more likely to get a false positive or negative result, which might cause you some unnecessary stress. If you don’t menstruate or aren’t on a regular cycle, waiting three weeks after sex may produce more accurate home test results.

Pregnancy tests work by detecting a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG. The production of hCG begins when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus (typically around ten days after the egg is fertilized by sperm). It takes time for hCG levels to build up, so taking a pregnancy test right away can lead to an inaccurate result.
You don’t have to go through this alone. If you prefer, you can choose to schedule a pregnancy test with a health care provider. If you have more questions, or you’re not sure how to find a provider, you can visit the Planned Parenthood website for more information about clinics that provide pregnancy testing and can help you navigate your options if you're pregnant. If you have more questions or as a student, pregnancy testing services aren’t available on campus, you could try to seek services off-campus to access pregnancy testing and assistance with navigating options if you’re pregnant. Associated costs would be dependent on the type of test, and due to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, all information shared with a health care provider is confidential unless you give permission for it to be shared with others.
Although it may be a bit early now, taking a home pregnancy test in a few weeks may provide some answers. Even if the result is a surprise, the sooner you find out, the sooner you can learn what options are available to you.
Alice!

Menstrual synchrony: Fact or fiction?

Dear Hopes She's Right,
You and your mother aren’t the only ones debating the facts surrounding menstrual synchrony (the tendency of women's menstrual cycles to converge). A heavy flow of controversy has existed since 1971, when a researcher studied the menstrual cycles of menstruating women living in the same residence hall. The findings suggested that there were factors, such as pheromones, that influenced the timing of a person’s period, causing it to shift and synchronize among women who live together. Researchers who have tried to replicate this study indicated that there may have been some methodological errors in the original study design. Furthermore, recent research on menstrual synchrony doesn't support the 1971 finding. What’s likely happening is that individuals with different menstrual cycle lengths live together long enough that there are times when their periods occur at the same time. 
While it’s unlikely that pheromones are shifting the timing of menstruation, there are some other factors that might have an impact:
Birth control pills: The birth control pill operates by altering the levels of progesterone and estrogen in the body, thereby influencing if, and when, menstruation occurs.

Extreme stress: Having high levels of stress, worry, or anxiety can lead early or late periods.
Chronic illness: If living with a chronic illness or taking certain medications, it may cause periods to be irregular.
Eating disorders: Anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and other calorie-controlled patterns of eating can impact the timing of periods or whether it even comes.
List adapted from Cleveland Clinic.
Until more is known about good ol’ Aunt Flo, it’s difficult to definitively say whether menstrual cycles can sync up. In the meantime, you can check out the various studies on the topic, or you can start your own investigation among your close friends to see how you all align.
Here’s to getting on the same page, if not the same cycle!

Safer sex between women

Dear Reader,
It’s great that you’re asking these questions because it's a common misperception that sex between female-identifying partners is without risk. While women who have sex with women (WSW) are typically at lower risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV, they’re still at risk for some infections. As such, practicing safer sex is still a good idea to keep both you and your potential partner(s) safe. Read on for more about infections for which WSW may be at risk, how they’re transmitted, and prevention strategies to utilize while still keeping it fun in the bedroom.
Though there are a number of STIs that are less common among WSW, sexual contact between female partners does still provide opportunities for exposure. Infections may still be passed in a number of ways, including through skin-to-skin contact, vaginal fluids or menstrual blood, and shared use of sex toys. STIs that are less likely to be transmitted between female sex partners include gonorrhea, hepatitis B, syphilis, and HIV. It’s been noted, though, that WSW who have been diagnosed with any of these less common STIs often have previously had sex with male-identifying partners at some point in their lives.
The STIs that WSW are at a higher risk for include:
•Bacterial vaginosis
•Chlamydia
•Genital herpes
•Human papillomavirus (HPV)
•Trichomoniasis 
•Pubic lice

List adapted from the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services Office on Women’s Health.
With this in mind, it’s wise to consider how you and your partners might protect each other and reduce the risk of infection. Safer sex between women involves many of the same strategies as for any set of partners, and the ideas below could be part of your sex life while keeping it safe and fun:
•During oral sex, cover the entire vaginal or anal area with a dam (a square of thin material, often latex or polyurethane), a cut-open condom, or latex or nitrile glove. Use creative means of keeping the material or wrap in place, such as a garter belt, to leave your hands free to roam. During vulva-to-vulva contact, a similar barrier may be placed over the vaginal area.
•If you or your partner plan on getting handy (i.e., manual penetration or fingering), a pit stop in the restroom to wash your hands is a wise decision. For the penetrating partner, making sure to cover cuts or sores on the hands may also help to reduce the risk of infection; this may be done by using gloves, condoms, or finger cots. It’s also recommended that you swap out for new materials when moving from the anus to the vagina or between partners.
•Is a little playtime with sex toys in order? Then it’s good to make sure that the toys you’re using have been washed before and after use, particularly if you plan on sharing. You might also choose to use a condom to cover the toy when in use (and use a new one if you swap with a partner).
This isn’t an exhaustive list of all the creative activities you may get into between the sheets. The bottom line here is that you might use some of the tools and strategies to limit contact with your partner’s skin, mucous membrane(s) (such as your mouth or vagina), or bodily fluid(s) that may put either of you at risk for infection during sex. Lastly, one more critical tool in your safer sex toolbox is having a frank conversation with your partner about STIs, safer sex methods, what activities are of interest, and whether or how often to get tested. You can check out the related Q&As for more information and tips on talking about safer sex. And now that you're informed, it’s not a bad idea to stock up on some supplies of your choice and enjoy!
Alice!

Can you get pregnant the first time?

Dear Reader,
The short answer is yes; someone can absolutely get pregnant the first time they have vaginal sex. And many people have. When one partner’s semen (cum) comes into contact with another partner’s vagina, pregnancy is theoretically possible — regardless of whether it’s anyone’s first time or their thousandth. Fertility, however, can be fickle. Some people who desperately wish to conceive have to try for months or years before success. Other people unexpectedly conceive the first time they have sex. Ready for some more baby-making biology? Read on!
In a typical menstrual cycle, hormones stimulate the ovaries to release an egg, a process known as ovulation. Ovulation most often happens around day 14 of the typical 28-day cycle. It’s good to note that many people’s cycles fall between 26 to 32 days but the exact timing of ovulation can vary from person to person. After ovulation, the egg journeys down the fallopian tube where it has about 24 hours to meet up with a sperm cell. If fertilized by sperm, the egg moves to the uterus, where it attaches to the uterine lining. At that point, early pregnancy symptoms begin and periods generally stop.

Fertility basically comes down to this: pregnancy is most likely to occur any time someone has unprotected sex during ovulation (or on the days just before ovulation, since sperm can live in the reproductive tract for up to six days). That said, determining when someone is ovulating isn't an exacting process. Since many people don’t have perfectly regular cycles, physical signs of ovulation are often more reliable than an expected calendar date. If you’re interested in becoming pregnant, you may find it useful to learn to recognize the times when you're most fertile. You can learn more about the menstrual cycle and fertility awareness in the Go Ask Alice! Sexual and Reproductive Health archives. A health care provider can also be a useful resource about menstrual history and cycle.
What's the take home message? When sperm and egg cells get to minglin’, pregnancy is a possibility regardless of anyone's previous sexual activity. If pregnancy isn't in your plans, have no fear! Condoms, when used consistently and correctly, can offer reliable protection against pregnancy and many STIs. Lots of other forms of birth control, both hormonal and non-hormonal, are available as well. You can check out the Contraception category for more information about different options. Using this information can help to help plan ahead, whether the goal is to increase or decrease the risk of pregnancy. Having an open conversation with sexual partners can help to ensure that they're on the same page and that they're maximizing pleasure between the sheets.