Be Her Best Lover Ever

Until a few years ago, my sex life was like an endless TiVo loop of Lost. I wasn't sure where I was or what I should do, and there were startling noises in the dark. For my girlfriends, each episode was frustrating—all tease, no climax.

Today I'm off the island, relieved and happy. I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, which is a fancy way of saying I've done my share of analysis and have, I think, deciphered the code of female sexual satisfaction.

In short, I've figured out what the heck is going on. It's mostly a matter of tuning in to her body and needs. Here's a synopsis, including the "tools" needed to find your way out of the wilderness and lead her to happiness.

Rope-a-Dope
For: Clitoral stimulation
Tool: Tongue

This is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali:

• Conserve your energy, letting her do most of the work as she presses and grinds on your tongue. Start with slow, rhythmic tongue strokes. Try a long, easy ice-cream lick from bottom to top that covers the full span of her inner labia and ends with her clitoral head. No matter how worked up she becomes, keep it slow and easy, and consistent. Tease her into delirium, then . . .
• Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then . . .
• Return to slow, easy strokes.
• Repeat until she's out cold.

Why it works: This method eases her gently into clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive at the outset. You'll start her blood flowing while offering the consistent stimulation she needs. The bursts of vigor add surprise, spike her sexual response, and keep her moving toward orgasm.

Heart of Palm
For: Clitoral stimulation, with optional G-spot stimulation
Tools: Your hands

Women never forget a nice pair of hands. Make yours memorable.

• Rest on your side. You have all night.
• Place your hand over her vulva, pressing on her pubic mound with the base of your palm. Let your fingers drape against her entire vulva.
• Let her push against your palm, and use your index and middle fingers to make rhythmic come-hither gestures along her vaginal entrance.
• Lightly stimulate her clitoral head with your fingertips. Gently pinch her labia.
• For variety, insert two fingers, pressing them up against the front wall of her vagina, simultaneously stimulating her clitoris and G-spot.

Why it works: This stimulates her entire vulva, the location of nerve endings that are often ignored. While she's pushing her clitoris into your palm, you're free to do some fancy fingerwork.

Head-to-Head
For: Clitoral stimulation
Tool: Penis

Think of your penis as one of many tools in your sexual survival kit—not your only weapon. And remember to use it outside her vagina occasionally.

• Focus on shallow thrusts. In the missionary position, barely penetrate her vagina. Let your penis rest just inside her.
• Linger. Loiter. Meander. Press the head of your penis against her clitoral head. Or press the shaft of your penis against her clitoris and gently thrust between the folds of her labia without entering her.
• When you penetrate deeply, press your pelvic bone against her clitoris and hold the position.

Why it works: You're hitting hot spots. Many of the nerve endings that contribute to orgasm are on the surface of her vulva and within the first inch or so of her vaginal entrance. When you penetrate deeply and hold, the sense of closeness combined with the clitoral sensation will overwhelm her.

Upward and Onward
For: G-spot stimulation
Tools: Hands, vibrator, penis

Her G-spot, which is the diameter of a dime, is on the front wall of her vagina, a few inches in. You can feel it swell during arousal. Think of it as more of an area than a spot. It responds to firmer pressure than the clitoris does, so your fingers or a vibrator will sometimes work better than your penis.

• Place an inch or two of a vibrator inside her vagina, then lift the vibrator to press her G-spot. Bring her legs together around the vibrator and stimulate her clitoris with your tongue.
• During intercourse, stimulate her G-spot by entering her from behind and pressing down on it. Use one hand to massage her pubic mound, which will stimulate her G-spot from the outside.

Why it works: G-spot orgasms don't happen independently of clitoral orgasms. New research suggests that the spot may be the root of the clitoris. Always try to combine clitoral and G-spot stimulation, or at least alternate regularly.

The Multiple Warhead
For: Multiple orgasms
Tools: Tongue, hand, penis, vibrator, patience

The best time to prove the phrase "There's more to sex than just orgasm" is after she's had one. (You are so damn understanding!) Women can have multiple orgasms because they retain blood in the pelvic area after orgasm. Her clitoris just needs a bit of recovery time because it becomes overly sensitive after orgasm.

• Return to foreplay. Focus on gentle full-body stimulation, then . . .
• Gradually introduce clitoral stimulation. Use a hand to gently tease her vulva—you can use a fingertip to trace the perimeter of her inner labia, or let her press into your palm and take the lead.

And finally: Remember to end on a high note. To paraphrase the pioneering sexologist Theodoor H. Van de Velde, it's in the moments after orgasm that a man proves if he's an "erotically civilized" adult. Translation: Don't forget to cuddle.

What You Can Learn from Lesbians about Sex

If you want to please her in bed, maybe take some tips—from other women. Lesbian women achieve orgasm more frequently than heterosexual women, reports a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Researchers analyzed the self-reported orgasm frequencies of 2,850 single men and women and found that lesbians reported reaching maximum pleasure about 75 percent of the time. Heterosexual women, however, reported having an orgasm just 62 percent of the time. (Both gay and heterosexual men reported achieving orgasm around 85 percent of the time.)

Why this happens isn't simple, but it could boil down to a few major factors. "There's a safety and an attunement in lesbian relationships that a lot of heterosexual couples don't have," says Tracy Thomas, Ph.D., a San Francisco-based relationship therapist. "There's less—or none—of that achievement-based sex where one person is trying to get their rocks off or please the other person for the sole purpose of feeling good about themselves."

This doesn’t mean all hope is lost for guys. Take these cues from lesbian couples, and you'll go from "pretty good" to "amazing” in no time.  

Take it Slow
Women are always complaining about how men skip past foreplay and jump straight to the main event—and that's because it's true. "Men rush, naturally, because their physiology is so different from women's," says April Masini, relationship expert at AskApril.com. "When men get aroused, they're targeting and moving in for the finish. Women, on the other hand, have a much slower journey, complete with meaningful 'speed bumps.'"

Know Her Body
Researchers noted that a possible reason lesbian women can better induce orgasm is because they are more comfortable and familiar with the female body. "In a lesbian relationship, women have an advantage because it's a lot easier to convey something when you're familiar with it,” says Masini.

How do you become an expert in female anatomy? Spend time exploring her body—whether it’s a gradual learning curve through experience or by talking it out with your partner—so you both learn what she really wants in bed.

Put Your Ego Aside
"Men tend to make sex about accomplishing something," Thomas says. "Even when he's trying to please her, it's because he wants to feel like he's accomplished the task of making her orgasm."

Thomas, who works frequently with gay and lesbian couples in her practice, says this type of ego-tripping doesn't exist as much in lesbian relationships. "Instead of making it about accomplishing something, make it about connecting with her," Thomas says. "Instead of giving her pleasure so you feel good about yourself, try to mentally switch so you're giving her pleasure just for her."

It's More Than Intercourse
Although you can consistently orgasm through intercourse, she can't. "Intercourse isn't always a reliable path to orgasm for women for both physical and psychological reasons," says psychiatrist Carole Lieberman, M.D. "She needs to feel safe, desired, and desirable—if not loved—before she can give up control and surrender to the pleasure of orgasm."

Because lesbians don't focus on intercourse as much as heterosexual couples, they're much more focused on foreplay, clitoral stimulation, and other methods of achieving orgasm. "Lesbians are good at being patient, creative, and experimental with their lovemaking," says Lieberman. Focus on those traits when you head to the sack, and she’ll be more likely to let loose.

The Truth About Why Some Women Masturbate During Sex

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My ex-boyfriend couldn’t keep his hands to himself. I don’t mean that he was a huge fan of PDA — he actually wasn't. I mean he was handsy in bed, in that he would physically prevent me from touching myself.

It was the oddest thing. We’d be having sex, and I’d feel the desire to reach between my legs for a little massage. My ex would spot this, push my hand away, and try to get the job done himself. I hated it. It completely took me out of the moment, and it never resulted in a good orgasm for me.

My ex wasn’t the only one who suffered from handsiness. A few of my former sexual partners have acted like they were emotionally wounded by the fact that my hand was on my clitoris. In my experience, when I touch myself during sex, men tend to react one of two ways: They either think they’re not getting me off, so they get offended or ask what they can do; or they think it’s some coded way for me to tell them that I want them to touch me, so they take matters into their own hands.

I’m here to tell you that neither is the case. Guys, if your partner touches herself during sex, she's doing it because it feels good, and you should leave her to it. Most of the time, our touching ourselves has nothing to do with you. I repeat: It. Has. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. Period. End of story.

Women masturbate. A lot. In fact, according to a survey of 1,200 Americans by the sex toy maker TENGA, 81% of women have masturbated at some point in their lives, and on average they do it about twice a week — less often than men, yes, but still fairly often. Further, a sizable chunk of women (about 30%) report preferring masturbation to sex, as opposed to 21% of men.

So why is this the case? Well, when you dig deeper into the data, it becomes pretty clear: women are having way fewer orgasms than their male partners are. According to a 2009 survey from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their last encounter, as opposed to 91% of straight men. (Note that this only applies to heterosexual women: by and large, women who have sex with women do not have this problem.)

This so-called "orgasm gap" is primarily due to the fact that most women simply can't get off from straight-up P-in-V sex. In fact, according to one study, only 18% of women can reach orgasm from penetration alone. The vast majority need some form of clitoral stimulation to get things going, which is why we may polish ourselves off from time to time while we're having sex with you. It's just our way of ensuring that we’re enjoying ourselves, too.

If you see us polishing ourselves off during sex, your first impulse may be to step in and offer your services by pausing the action to give us oral sex or to (literally) give us a hand. And in a lot of cases, we are more than happy to let you do so.

But sometimes, you just need to leave us to it — not because we don't think you're capable of pleasuring us, but because we know how to get ourselves off. The same way you are very well acquainted with every nook and cranny of your penis, we are close, personal friends with our clits. We know what feels good. And sometimes, we just want to take the lead instead of giving you directions to our clitorises midway through sex like we're air traffic controllers.

So the next time your woman reaches down between her legs during sex, don’t just push her hand away. You can ask her if she wants any help, but if she says, "Nah, I'm good," then just leave her to it. Pay attention to what she's doing, and see what she’s into. If she gets off on being watched, say, "It's so hot to watch you do that," and narrate the action together. You may learn something. And even if you don’t, I’ve heard it’s very fun to watch.

Everything You Know About Women and Sex Is Wrong

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For centuries, men have asked themselves: What do women want? While you'd think we should have come up with an answer to this question by 2018, we clearly haven't, if the immense volume of Google searches for "how to give woman orgasm" or "where is the clitoris" is any indication.

But author Wednesday Martin believes that this isn't men's fault. The problem is that everything guys have been taught about male and female sexuality has been wrong from the very beginning.

In her new book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, Martin deconstructs the basic building blocks of everything we have ever learned about sex and gender, from the idea that men have higher sex drives than women to the belief that men are more likely to cheat.

"We have inherited this cultural script," Martin told MensHealth.com. "We have been taught that men are more naturally sexual, that they have stronger libidos, that monogamy is harder for men, and men crave novelty and variety of sexual experience more than women do. We have been taught that this is 'science.' And what I learned when I talked to experts is that this very pat narrative began to fall apart."

Martin has built a career on writing "about people we love to hate, about things that make people very upset," she says. In 2015, she published Primates of Park Avenue, which was marketed as a anthropological account of the lives of Upper East Side housewives; although Martin was later accused of shoddy research and fabrication, the book was a bestseller.

Untrue aims to make a similarly big splash by upending all of our expectations about sex, gender, and monogamy. Here's what Martin learned from her research — and how you can apply her findings to your own relationship.

Female infidelity may be on the rise.

Historically, researchers have believed that men are more likely to cheat than women. But this assumption is largely based on an old (and methodologically flawed) study by geneticist A.J. Bateman that assessed the mating patterns of male vs. female fruit flies, Martin says.

Emerging research is challenging that belief. A Jan. 2018 study found that more women between the ages of 18 and 29 said they had cheated on a partner than men in that same age bracket, and 2013 data from the National Opinion Research Center's General Social Survey found that married women were 40% more likely to cheat in 2010 than they were in 1990. In fact, Martin says that if researchers control for factors like number of lifetime sexual partners, "there’s no really big statistically significant infidelity gap until men and women hit their 50s."

Women may have evolved to be promiscuous.

Generally speaking, monogamy is a relatively new historical construct, Martin argues. "There’s now a pretty broad consensus that we evolved as cooperative breeders, and in our evolutionary history, we did not live in monogamous [pairings]," Martin says. "We lived in loose, rangy bands of people and we had multiple sex partners. We bred cooperatively and raised our offspring cooperatively. And there’s growing consensus among anthropologists that's why homo sapiens thrived. Monogamy is new. We are equipped for polyamory."

But Martin doesn't just argue that humans aren't equipped for monogamy — she goes so far as to argue that women specifically evolved to be promiscuous, citing the research of primatologists like Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, who studied the mating habits of female langur monkeys in India.

"It might be evolutionarily beneficial for women to be promiscuous because we get more variety of sperm, we’re hedging against male infertility, it might be a great strategy to get more men to think the offspring is theirs. We might have all those appetites for all those evolved reasons," Martin says.

Long-term relationships might be tougher for women than they are for men.

In her book, Martin cites the work of researcher Marta Meana, who studies low sexual desire in long-term relationships. Contrary to the belief that men get bored easily, Meana found that "in the aggregate, men will be pretty happy in a long-term relationship if they are having sex regularly with their partner, whereas women, in the aggregate, are more likely to report sexual dissatisfaction and relationship dissatisfaction, even if they are having sex with their long-term partners," Martin says.

While many would speculate that this is due to women inherently having lower desire than men, Meana found after talking to her female subjects that this was not the case. "It’s not that women don't want to have sex. It's that they get bored more quickly from sex with a long-term partner," Martin explains. "So monogamy is likely a tighter fit for women than it is for men."

Many women are turned on by other women...

"Women may have a wider sexual menu than men do, in terms of sexual fluidity and who they’re attracted to," says Martin. According to a study by researcher Meredith Chivers, which analyzed men's vs. women's sexual response patterns, heterosexual men's bodies responded to porn that aligned with their sexual orientation, such as images of women with women or men with women. Women who identified as heterosexual, however, responded not only to heterosexual porn, but also to images of women and women having sex, images of men and men having sex, and even images of bonobos having sex.

Martin speculates that women's desire for variety and novelty may bolster the findings of Meana's research and help explain "why some women have trouble with hetero relationships."

"Monogamy is likely a tighter fit for women than it is for men."

...and they're also turned on by themselves.

"Marta Meana did a fun study where she asked men and women if they would have sex with themselves. The men said, 'I don’t know what you’re talking about,' and the women said, 'Hell yes,'" Martin says. "So that might be interesting for men to know: women are turned on by their own bodies during sex, and our sexual satisfaction is linked to our perception of ourselves even more than men’s. Women aren't just looking for an emotional connection or intimacy. They’re also turned on by their own hot body parts, or actually watching themselves have sex."

Martin's suggestion for couples looking to add some novelty into their sex lives? "Literalize the data," she says. "Ask your partner if she'd like a mirror. Lingerie can also be really great. It helps women see themselves as sexy and having the power to turn men on, and that turns them on, too."

"Women are turned on by their own bodies during sex."

Women get erections.

"Most people think that clitoris is just that little button that you can see with your eyes," says Martin. "But we see from imaging that the clitoris is hundreds of times longer. There’s erectile tissue around your urethra, and you have a sponge near your anus called your perineal sponge. All that stuff extending beyond your labia — all erectile tissue, all exciting. People, especially men, don't have this information. But women have this expensive organ designed for sexual pleasure."

And they get morning wood, too.

"Women wake up with a hard-on every morning," Martin says. (For the record, it's called nocturnal clitoral tumescence, and yes, it's a thing.) "Most male partners don’t know that their female partners wake up with an erection, or have every bit of erectile tissue as they do, but we have this narrative that men wake up with hard-ons and require release, and we need to have a parallel one."

All couples should talk to each other about how they define monogamy.

Untrue was inspired in part by Martin's own struggles with monogamy within her marriage. "Like a lot of women in long-term satisfying relationships, I nevertheless found myself curious about what it would be like to have sex with other people," Martin says. "I thought that must mean there was something wrong with my marriage, even though I was very happy. So that was the spark that lit the fire."

Martin won't reveal whether she and her husband ultimately chose to open up their marriage. Nonetheless, she says, "the book started a conversation I had been hesitant to have about sexual exclusivity and monogamy. It really changed my willingness to think through everything that I had assumed was the best way to be in a marriage."

While Martin interviews couples who are polyamorous or have opened up their relationships to a third party, she says couples don't necessarily have to do that if they want to keep their relationship exciting.

"Read something sexy together, or watch porn together, or talk about what you might do in a third," she urges. Data also shows that "if couples do a new activity together — if they learn to scuba dive, for instance — they get a rush of chemicals, or a puppy love hormonal rush, and come to see each other anew."

9 Ways to Give Your Partner Multiple Orgasms

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Giving your partner just one orgasm is cause for celebration. But giving your partner multiple orgasms? Well, that's enough reason to throw a freaking parade.

That said, one small note: the ability to come more than once comes (pun intended) far more easier for women than it does for guys. A man has to wait for their refractory period to pass before they're ready for round two, but women don’t seem to need the same reloading phase, says Men’s Health sex advisor Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. So the following information applies almost exclusively to women and not men. (For more information about how to give your male partner multiple orgasms, check out this story.)

But just because a woman can come twice in a row doesn’t mean that she will. Studies suggest that somewhere between 14 and 40 percent of women have had multiple orgasms in one session.

So how do you help her become one of the lucky ones? Here are steps you can take to try and give her multiple orgasms.

1) Make sure she wants to have multiple orgasms to begin with.

Some women would rather cuddle after climaxing than be pressured into an encore. Plus, women differ dramatically in regard to how they can achieve one orgasm, let alone multiple orgasms, so it's possible she may be too sensitive to want to go again for Round Two. Always check in with her before trying to make her come again, and never make her feel bad if she can't pull off a repeat performance.

2) Create lots of sexual tension.

Building up desire is a precursor to any sexual activity. But creating copious amounts of sexual tension can be just what she needs to achieve a bonus orgasm. “You want her to retain her feelings of overall arousal when her body starts to relax after having the first orgasm,” says Amie Harwick, author of The New Sex Bible for Women. So take a few minutes' break in between. Give her a massage or just cuddle.

3) Keep her idling.

After she has an orgasm, give her clitoris a short break, as it becomes super sensitive for many women immediately after sex, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. If you're too focused on that area, she may not be ready to go again.

4) Don't ignore her breasts and butt.

Spend a minute or two making out and attending to her breasts, butt, and any other favorite non-genital hotspots. Whisper in her ear about how beautiful she looks. Your goal is to keep her in a semi-aroused state so you don’t have to start from scratch to bring her back to the top of the mountain.

5) Rev things back up.

After a woman has an orgasm, the blood that rushes to her genitals during sex lingers, making it easier for her to climax again, Kerner says. He advises men to prime their partner for round two with some dirty talk. Talking dirty will signal to your partner that the momentum is still strong.

6) Return your attention to her genitals.

“Start with a light touch,” says Kerner. “Try lightly circling your finger or tongue over her clitoris slowly, and then work up to more extreme stimulation with an increasingly faster pace, more pressure, and intensity until she's ready to go again.” Starting with a slow, sensual touch gives your partner more time prepare for the next one.

7. Try a new route.

There’s nothing wrong with sticking with what works, but you can also try bringing her to orgasm by attending to a different erogenous zone. This can work particularly well if her clitoris is still sensitive from round one. Experiment sensually with other areas like the neck, ears, and toes and see how your partner reacts.

8) Alternate between sex positions.

Novelty encourages the release of the feel-good chemical dopamine, which may help her orgasm faster, says Kerner. Aim for her G-spot with positions like woman on top or doggy-style. The change in position will keep your partner on her toes.

9) Don't be afraid to kick it up a notch.

Feeling more adventurous? Some women can climax from nipple stimulation, research finds. Lightly trace circles on her nipples with your fingers or tongue, building pressure as you go, or try sucking on them. Want to crank it up another notch? Stimulate the area between her vagina and anus with your tongue, suggests Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of Idiot's Guides: The Kama Sutra. Some women find it mind-blowing — but you want to check with her first.