How to Prepare for Anal Sex

 

Whether you’re new to anal play or a total expert, knowing how to prepare for anal sex is the key to a pleasurable time. Okay, not just pleasurable. Preparation is just as important for safety as it is for comfort. Don’t worry, though—as long as you take the proper precautions and time to prepare, anal sex is generally safe. And luckily for you, that preparation is exactly what we’re covering in this article. So let’s get on with it!

Below, learn how to prepare for anal sex, as well as everything else you need to know about making anal sex safe, comfortable, and enjoyable, from prep to cleanup.

Before anal

This is where the real preparation happens. Consider this everything you need to do before heading to the bedroom (or wherever you’re getting your anal play on).

1. Decide what kind of anal play you’re interested in.

Because spoiler alert: You have options! Sure, anal sex typically refers to penetrative sex—meaning, something going into your anus—and penetrative sex typically requires the most preparation. But anal is a wide umbrella, and knowing ahead of time what you’re interested in can help you prep however you need to. So the types of anal sex to be aware of include:

Penis in anus: Pretty self-explanatory—P-in-A sex is what many people think of first when you talk about anal sex.

Toy in anus: You have a lot of variety when it comes to anal sex toys. There are anal dildos that can be used for penetration much like a penis, sure, but your options don’t end there. There are also plugs, which are smaller and designed to be left in place. With anal beads, the pleasure is in the removal as much as the insertion. Prostate toys are uniquely shaped devices designed to massage the prostate—kind of like the anal toy equivalent of a G-spot vibrator or dildo.

Digital penetration: Exploring anal play with your fingers is excellent, especially for beginners who might be worried about size. Also, it’s also worth noting that if you’re going to explore penetration with a penis or a toy, a little bit of digital penetration will likely be involved as you “work up” to it. So you should always make sure your hand hygiene and nails are on point—and by that I mean clean, filed smooth with no rough edges, and fairly short (unless you really know what you’re doing).

Oral: Also known as anilingus...or rimming, tossing salad, or your other favorite oral-anal euphemism. If you’re not already a fan, oral sex on the same place poop comes out might make you squeamish, but you have nothing to worry about. If the receiver has had normal, regular bowel movements, anilingus is generally hygienic. But more on the poop of it all later.

2. Stock up on lube.

Listen, we recommend lube in most sexual experiences anyway, but using lube is an absolute must during penetrative anal play, Joseph Frankhouse, M.D., medical director of colorectal surgery at Legacy Health in Oregon, tells SELF. That’s because while the vagina produces natural lubrication, the anus doesn’t. Anal penetration without adequate lubrication can cause the tissue in your anus to tear.

Not only is that painful, it also makes you more susceptible to sexually transmitted infections, like gonorrhea and HIV, board-certified ob-gyn Jacques Moritz, M.D., tells SELF. That’s because these tears create openings in the skin, potentially allowing infection-causing pathogens to enter.

When it comes to lube, you pretty much have three options: oil-based, silicone-based, and water-based. Oil- and silicone-based lubes are thicker and longer lasting, making them great for anal play. But oil-based lubes (like coconut oil) can break down condoms and render them less effective, so if you’re using a condom, steer clear of that kind of lube.

If you’re bringing silicone anal toys into the mix, you’ll want to avoid silicone-based lubes, since this kind of lube erodes silicone toys. But don’t worry—if you want to use silicone-based lube and toys, there are other toy materials out there that work just fine, such as glass or metal.

With all that in mind, if you’re engaging in anal play, using condoms, or using silicone toys, you’ll typically want to stick with water-based lube. Water-based lube is perfectly serviceable too—you might just find yourself having to reapply more often.

3. Make sure your toys are safe for anal.

Repeat after me: Not all toys are anal-safe! When it comes to toys for anal play, the most important rule is to make sure it has a flared base so it doesn’t get lost inside you. Because yes, you can get a toy stuck in your butt and it’s a thing people actually go to the emergency room for more often than you’d think.

Other than that, sex educator Jill McDevitt, Ph.D., recommends toys made of an easy-to-clean material like silicone, since it’s nonporous and hypoallergenic. For beginners, it can help to use toys that come in incremental sizes so you can “start small and then use larger ones as you wish,” says Dr. McDevitt. If you’re a beginner and want to go for a glass or metal toy, maybe err on the smaller side—these materials can be heavy, so you’ll likely feel full even without extra size.

4. Grab some condoms too.

At least, under most circumstances. Unless you and your partner(s) are sexually monogamous and have all been tested recently, you should use condoms (or dental dams for oral) during anal sex to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections and HIV, Natasha Chinn, M.D., a New Jersey-based ob-gyn, tells SELF. Yup, you can get STIs via your butt.

Even if you are in a fluid-bonded relationship, using condoms is especially important if you’re switching from anal to vaginal penetration. Otherwise, you risk moving bacteria from your anus to your vagina or urethra. Your anus is home to all kinds of bacteria your vagina and related parts aren’t used to—namely, gastrointestinal (GI) bacteria, like E. coli. When this bacteria reaches your vagina, it can cause vaginal infections, like bacterial vaginosis, which can lead to vaginal itching, burning during urination, a “fishy” vaginal odor, and gray, white, or green vaginal discharge, according to the Mayo Clinic. It can also spread to your urethra, where it can cause a urinary tract infection (UTI). According to the Mayo Clinic, this can cause symptoms like constantly needing to pee, then a burning sensation when you do, along with cloudy urine and pelvic pain.

Long story short? If you insert anything into your anus, clean it off and/or roll on a new condom before putting it into your vagina.

Worth noting: Even if you and your partner aren’t worried about STIs or planning to switch between anal and vaginal penetration, using a condom may make you feel more comfortable if mess is a concern. Speaking of…

5. Be aware of how your poop might impact anal sex.

Whenever we talk about anal sex, questions about poop inevitably pop up, so it can be helpful to know going in what you can expect. So first, let’s walk through what actually happens inside your body when you poop. Food starts in your stomach, where it gets broken down. Then it passes through your small intestine, where it gets digested even more. The remaining food waste—that’s poop—gets stored in your large intestine, which is a long tube also known as the colon, according to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases.

When there’s a bunch of waste in your colon that needs to come out, your colon contracts and pushes the stool into the rectum, an eight-inch chamber that connects the colon to the anus. Your brain receives the signal that you need to head to the bathroom sometime soon, and your rectum stores the stool until you voluntarily contract it to push the poop out.

In anal play, once you get past your anus itself, anal sex takes place in your rectum, which isn’t a storage area for poop unless a bowel movement is imminent. That means the odds of you actually pooping on your partner mid-act are very, very low, Dr. Moritz says. If you’ve recently pooped and you don’t have any health issues that make pooping a bit less predictable, like ulcerative colitis, a ton of feces probably won’t sneak up on you mid-anal.

Unfortunately, there’s a bit of a catch here, which is important for expectation-setting. When you poop, your body should expel all the stool in your rectum, but some fecal matter might get left behind. While you probably don’t have to worry about pooping on your partner, you should know that they may be exposed to some visible or invisible fecal matter, Dr. Chinn says.

That said, no one needs to panic. It’s as simple as washing it off with soap and water (or changing the condom), washing your hands, and continuing on with your life, whether or not that means getting back to anal sex. But it’s definitely something that all parties should be aware of before you start.

One last thing worth noting: The are a few more precautions and things to keep in mind about anal sex if you or your partner has a GI issue. For more information, you can check out this article on the topic.

6. Do some cleanup down there.

Don’t get us wrong: Getting your bum ready for anal sex can be as simple as cleaning the area with water and a gentle washcloth so it’s as pristine as possible before you dive in. But some people prefer to take the extra step of doing an enema, and that’s cool too.

An enema involves pumping water or saline into the rectum to dissolve any stool that’s hanging out in there, making it easier to poop out. Since it’s pretty convenient to just grab an enema kit at your local drugstore or online, some people suggest doing this before anal to avoid any feces’ making an appearance in the bedroom. Fleet enemas ($8, Amazon) are a popular option (and incidentally, a big reason why so many people were laughing about Twitter’s new Fleet feature).

Again, you don’t necessarily need an enema. As we just established, the chances of you pooping on your partner mid-act are slim to none. But there’s usually no harm in doing an enema as long as you’re not doing it often enough to irritate your rectum, Dr. Frankhouse says. He recommends only doing them once every few months and following the instructions every time. If your butt starts feeling irritated when you do an enema, that’s a sign you should quit. Other than that, you can concentrate on external anal hygiene.

7. Try some anal masturbation first.

Whether you’re a total beginner to anal sex or an anal pro, it’s not just something you can jump into. But if you’re completely new to anal and planning on doing it with a partner, it could be worth it to do some solo exploring first. This can mean taking some time to work anal into your next masturbation session, whether by stimulating yourself with your fingers or sex toys.

This step is totally optional, of course, but it’s a good rule to keep in mind. “I always recommend people try most things on their own first before a partner,” says sex educator Dr. McDevitt. “It helps you gain comfort and confidence, learn what you like, want, and don’t like and don’t want.”

During anal

A big part of preparing for anal sex actually happens during sex itself. Beyond that, it might be helpful to brush up on these tips ahead of time so you know how to have the best experience possible.

8. Work up to penetration slowly.

If you’re exploring anal with a partner, you’ll definitely want to reserve some time for foreplay before anal the same way you would for any other kind of penetration. That’s to give your body time to relax. Your rectum is designed to keep poop in with help from a muscle called the anal sphincter. This can make anal penetration a little challenging at first, Dr. Moritz says.

You can start by asking your partner to give you a massage or do something else you know will loosen you up. “It takes a bit of time to relax [the anal sphincter],” Dr. Frankhouse says.

Then, when you feel cool, relaxed, and ready to start exploring anal play, you or your partner can use a finger or sex toy to massage the outside of your anus. This can help you get familiar with the sensation before any kind of penetration happens. Once you’re beginning to enjoy yourself, Dr. Chinn says you can experiment with sticking a finger or sex toy in your anus bit by bit based on what feels good, using plenty of lube, of course.

All of that said, Dr. McDevitt points out that when we talk about “working up” to anal, we’re only talking about taking the proper steps to ensure you’re ready for penetration if you want it—it doesn’t mean anal penetration has to be the end goal. “Anal play doesn’t have to mean anal penetration,” she says. “Certainly it can include that, but you don’t have to ‘work up to’ that if you don’t want to.” Instead you can stimulate circles around the anal opening with a finger, tongue, or pointed vibrator.

9. Skip the numbing cream.

Numbing creams that use anesthetics like benzocaine are widely available. That doesn’t mean you should use them for anal, says Dr. Chinn. Your nerve endings are sensitive for a reason. They alert your brain to pain so you can prevent yourself from getting seriously injured, Dr. Chinn says. While numbing creams might make anal penetration feel easier, they don’t make it any easier physically. By numbing your anus, you or your partner could be pushing your body past its point of comfort without even realizing it.

Instead, just take things slowly and communicate with your partner. Anal play can be a lot of fun, and you shouldn’t have to numb yourself to enjoy it.

10. Try beginner-friendly positions.

Though there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to anal sex positions, Dr. Chinn says being on top might make first-time anal sex a little easier. That allows more control over how deep the penetration goes and how slowly it happens. As a bonus, there’s also the chance to add some clitoral stimulation, if that’s your thing.

If you’re more experienced with anal, you can have your partner penetrate you from behind through doggy-style, spooning sex, or some other similar position, Dr. Chinn says. This can offer a “fuller” feeling. You or your partner can also provide some added clitoral stimulation in these positions.

11. Don’t worry about orgasming.

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are obviously great. But with any kind of sex, putting a ton of pressure on having one can cause anxiety, ruin the experience, and even chase orgasms away, so it’s better to just enjoy the experience without a goal in mind. This is just as true with anal sex. Especially because when it comes to anal sex, orgasms aren’t exactly straightforward. To explain why, we have to get into some interesting G-spot and P-spot territory.

The G-spot is thought to be a cluster of vaginal, urethral, and clitoral tissues and nerves, Dr. Chinn says. While the exact location of this cluster varies depending on the person, some people can feel it when they put pressure on the front vaginal wall, about one or two inches inside the vagina. The emphasis here is on “some.” There’s actually a pretty big debate about the G-spot in the sex education and medical fields.

“I hate to say I’m not a big G-spot believer. There certainly are some nerves, but [research hasn’t] been able to anatomically demonstrate much on a regular basis,” Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive sciences at Yale Medical School, tells SELF. “I think [people with vaginas] have areas that are more sensitive than others, individual exploration is good, and individuals can experience stimulation in all sorts of places.”

If you’re positive you have a G-spot and are excited about the prospect of orgasming from anal, it depends on whether yours is sensitive enough to feel anal penetration. Don’t worry if this isn’t the case for you, because it’s typically not easy for anal to stimulate this area, Dr. Chinn says. With that said, if clitoral stimulation helps you orgasm, you or your partner can add that to the mix during anal to help you get there.

Then there’s the P-spot, which is a cutesy name for the prostate gland. This chestnut-sized gland is located inside the pelvis, upward and behind the penis, between the bladder and rectum. Stimulating it can feel unbelievably good for some people, Dr. Frankhouse says, and can even result in orgasm.

So, to answer your question, can you orgasm from anal? Maybe. Orgasms are such an individual thing that it’s hard to say a definite yes or no to this one.

After anal

Luckily, there isn’t a ton you need to prepare to handle after anal sex, but there are two important things to keep in mind.

12. Clean up if you need to, but don’t worry about pooping.

You might know that it’s common advice to pee after vaginal intercourse to avoid getting a UTI, so you might also be wondering if the same is true for pooping after anal sex. Nope! The reason doctors recommend that you pee after sex is to flush out any bacteria that’s gotten into your urethra during the action. Since that kind of bacterial contamination doesn’t really happen during anal, Dr. Frankhouse says there’s no reason to force yourself to poop afterward if you don’t feel the need to.

This advice still stands if your partner ejaculates inside you. Though some people worry this could cause runny poops that resemble diarrhea, Dr. Frankhouse says this actually isn’t the case. For one thing, since poop usually isn’t in your rectum until you’re close to expelling it, there’s no real opportunity for poop and semen to mix. Even if poop could go farther up into your colon, semen is usually runny. Since your anus will likely remain expanded for a few minutes after anal sex, that semen can just leak right on out, Dr. Frankhouse says. If you want to go to the bathroom to expel that, feel free, but it’s not necessary!

Beyond that, cleaning up with an unscented baby wipe or a shower in the case of stray fecal matter can’t hurt, either. Whatever helps you feel most comfortable.

13. Look out for signs of injury.

As long as you follow all the best practices we just covered, like lube, foreplay, and communication, anal sex is generally very safe. That said, some tearing or other anal injuries might still happen, depending on the amount you use, the size of whatever you’re putting in there, and the level of friction involved.

Though injuries are uncommon, it’s good to be aware. According to Dr. Frankhouse, you should see a doctor if you’re experiencing any of the following within a few days of having anal sex:

• Bleeding, which could be a sign of anal fissures (small tears in the tissue lining the anus)

• Persistent pain, which could also be a sign of anal fissures

• Sores, lumps, or warts around the anus, which could be a sign of HPV or another STI

• Unusual discharge that looks like pus, which could signal gonorrhea or chlamydia

That information is very necessary, but I refuse to end this on a kind of scary note. The truth is that you can have an excellent time with anal play. Or it could be the exact opposite of your thing, which is okay too. Either way, if you keep the above information in mind, you’re way more likely to come out of the experience having explored anal sex in a safe, healthy, potentially mind-blowing way.

How to Start Dating and Having Sex as a Newly Out Queer Person

 

Hi. I’m Carolyn. I’m the editor in chief of SELF and the host of our wellness advice podcast. In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how to date and have sex when you’re newly out as queer.

Today’s question comes from a 23-year-old listener named Raven who says she recently came out as queer. She wants to know how to get started dating women. And she’s also curious about what she needs to know about sex—how to have it, how to be safe.

Raven says that most of her friends are straight, so she doesn’t really have many people to talk to about this stuff. Meanwhile, she also tells us that she’s having serious confidence issues. She doesn’t know how to talk to women, which is really surprising to her. “I realized that the level of confidence I had with talking with a man was completely different to the level of confidence I had with trying to talk with a woman,” she says. “The difference was staggering to me because usually I'm pretty confident. But the moment I tried to talk to a woman, I got so nervous, I got so anxious about it, I didn't know what to do. So I just ended up not doing anything at all.”

New episodes of Checking In come out every Monday. Listen to this week’s episode above, and get more episodes of Checking In on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

• Apple Podcasts

• Spotify

• Google Podcasts

At Raven’s age, cisgender heterosexual folks have had many years to learn how to navigate romantic relationships, and likely have tons of examples in their lives, both among their friends and family and also in popular media, about what sex and love and dating for heterosexual couples might be like. Queer folks don’t have that—which can be really unsettling.

To help Raven out, I first speak with Casey Tanner, a queer sex therapist based in Chicago. She gives very clear, direct, and helpful advice about the logistics here—safe-sex basics, dating while queer, how to learn how to have sex in the first place. On safe sex, she talks about a range of things that Raven should keep in mind, from condoms to cleanliness and protection for your hands. She also mentions the important point that not all women have vulvas, and so Raven might still need to think about birth control and pregnancy prevention.

For the second half of our show, I chat with SELF’s December cover star Jonathan Van Ness about building confidence in relationships and in life. Van Ness is a memoirist, comedian, podcast host, hair stylist, and one of the five stars of Queer Eye, on Netflix.

He’s made a name for himself, in part, by giving advice, and helping people learn to outwardly express their true inner selves. Van Ness is nonbinary and uses the pronouns he, she, and they. He doesn’t date women, so he can't give the type of advice that Tanner covers in her segment—but he can speak from the perspective of being a queer person who has struggled with confidence issues. His memoir, Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love, documents his experiences in learning to love himself for who he is.

So he has a lot of great advice for Raven, and for anyone else who feels insecure in relationships and wants to build up their confidence—we cover a lot of topics, from shame to resilience to making friends in the queer community to focusing on figuring out what you like and enjoy outside of relationships.

Specifics about lube and dental dams aside, there are some overarching takeaways from this episode that are useful for Raven, and also for anyone who feels insecure or uncomfortable in love and dating. Takeaways such as: Give yourself grace and compassion. Go at your own pace. Find what you like and want. Know that it gets easier the more you do it. And also, understand that building confidence and feeling comfortable with yourself is a bumpy, winding road—and that’s okay.

7 ways to put yourself first during sex

While conversations surrounding sex and consent seem to have been opened up much more over the past few years, female pleasure is still a somewhat taboo subject. 

When it comes to action between the sheets, everyone deserves to have a fun and pleasurable experience, but sometimes it can feel a lot easier to fake an orgasm and go to sleep. It can be difficult to tell a partner you’re not really enjoying yourself in bed but there are ways to prioritise your pleasure and get to know your body a little better.

Everyone deserves a full and fulfilling sex life. And if you want to prioritise your pleasure there are things you can do to get into the habit of doing to look after yourself.

Get to know your body

If you find it difficult to explain what you’d like with a partner then educating yourself may help. It also empowers you to be a bit more explorative on your own. Don't be afraid to learn as much as possible about your body and your pleasure.

Setting a bit of time aside to woo yourself may sound cheesy but it could also show you exactly what you like when it comes to your pleasure. While I can remember male masturbation being talked and joked about all the way through school, female masturbation was always portrayed as more shameful. 

Think about what you want

Sex and pleasure can and should be fun. There’s so much that you can do in the bedroom, both with a partner and alone. If you find yourself with a fantasy that you’d like to fulfill describe what you’d like to explore in detail, as everyone’s kinks can have their own parameters, specific to that person. 

Address expectations too, and what you’d like to get out of it. For example if hair pulling is your kink, describe - or even demonstrate on him - how hard you want him to pull. The more direction you give, the better they can give you what you want. And it’ll be safest.

Give yourself time

When you’re in bed with someone and they keep letting you know they’re going to climax or ask you if you’ve finished yet, there's a lot of temptation to fake an orgasm or give up altogether. 

But if you know what turns you on and your partner isn’t doing it, try and guide them so you’re getting more out of the sexual experience. Of course, the end goal of sex doesn't always have to be an orgasm, but you deserve to enjoy the encounter as much as your partner.

Look after yourself outside of the bedroom

There’s so much that contributes to the quality of your sex life, including diet and exercise. Not only does exercise improve your physique and mental health but it could also be the answer to a dwindling sex life. 

The Flo website says “A 20-minute run or cycle can help increase your blood flow and lubrication, making it easier for you to become aroused and ultimately, climax. Fitness can be a good option for those who have a low libido and want to increase their physiological arousal without medication.”

Address any anxieties

Sometimes your partner can be doing all the right things in the bedroom but, if you’re stuck in your own head, there’s no way you’ll reach climax. 

Anxiety and overthinking in the bedroom is incredibly common and Professor Lori Brotto from the Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology at the University of British Columbia told meditation organisation Headspace that “the most common predictors and causes of sexual dysfunction in women are: stress, multi-tasking, poor body image, depression, anxiety, relationship concerns, and fatigue.” 

If you are experiencing any of these, addressing them may be the first step to improving your time in the bedroom.

Understand you deserve it

One of the most important things when it comes to understanding your own pleasure and getting a partner to appreciate it too is understanding that you deserve a full sex life and your pleasure is as important as any any one else's.

That's how much time you'll need for foreplay

Most people know the power of foreplay. But now experts have calculated the exact amount of time that is needed before getting to the main event. 

Six minutes is what you'll need to dedicate to foreplay and sex play before going full throttle into having actual sex.

The six-minute rule applies particularly to heterosexual couples. 

How exactly they got to this number? It's all in the data. According to  The Sun, a study of 1 500 Canadians found that people of all sexualities who participated in "pre-sex affectionate behaviour" which lasted at least six minutes were more likely to feel "very sexually satisfied."

Commisioned by Trojan condoms and the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada, the study revealed the majority of men agreed that they enjoyed the six-minute rule, but they could still reach an orgasm without - compared to 61 percent of women.

“Six minutes is a critical time, people who are the most satisfied in their encounters are doing a variety of activities," Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor at the University of Guelph, told  Refinery29.

"People who are the most satisfied in their encounters are doing a variety of activities.

"It’s a simple thing that people can do in their relationships that doesn't cost any money."

Other findings in the study included that 56 percent of men and 55 percent of women were more satisfied if they engaged in post-sex affectionate behaviour, such as cuddling, kissing and general affection.

So if you really want to experience mind-blowing sex, next time use the six-minute rule.

12 Techniques Women Use To Have An Orgasm, According To OMGyes

According to a 2016 study of over 52,000 U.S. adults published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, only 65% of women can orgasm during sex. But when it comes to how often men can orgasm during sex, we’re looking at a whopping 95%. So unfair, right? That's why the world needs OMGyes.

OMGyes is an online site where both men and women can get the tips they need to make reaching an orgasm a reality. Although there are many reasons why a woman can’t orgasm during sex, much of it often has to do with the fact that 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to climax. If that stimulation isn’t just right, achieving an orgasm can be tricky business.


As Mic reports, OMGyes cofounder Rob Perkins was having a chat with his friend and fellow cofounder of OMGyes, Lydia Daniller, about just how elusive the female orgasm can be. Yes, we know it exists, but it’s the actual harnessing of it, and harnessing of it every time that seems to be the issue. Daniller told Mic:

We're experiencing something of a hangover from our previous generation, where it's still hard for people to see women as sexual beings on their own. It's fairly new that women are seen as having their own desires.

So Perkins and Daniller did what anyone would do in the name of trying to bring more attention to the female orgasm: They talked to hundreds of people about techniques, desires, and basically what gets them off. In 2015, they got together with researchers at Indiana University to poll over 1,000 women between 18 and 95, to get their input on what works for them. They were even able to enlist 30 people willing to demonstrate their favorite techniques on camera.

"The focus of OMGyes is actually not orgasm but pleasure," Naomi Sorbet, manager of content research for OMGyes and For Goodness Sake, tells Bustle. "The stories of thousands of women have clued us in to just how many aspects of sexual pleasure there are— each with techniques that can make it feel even better.

In 2019, that 1,000 women jumped to 20,000 women that OMGyes was able to survey and interview, according to Sorbet. Basically, no stone has been left unturned.

Not only did they get the insight they were looking for, but they were also able to put names to the various techniques that women use to make themselves come, either solo or with a partner. Then it was all compiled into a video that can be watched on OMGyes, because sharing the goods on this topic is important business.

6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms

Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of a happy ending:

1. Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.

The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.

2. Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as a whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.

3. Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.

4. Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.

The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies.

5. Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is not routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candlelight, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.

6. Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.”
Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.

Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.

Mental Health Resources and Self-Care Tips FOR THE BLACK COMMUNITY

We are on the cusp of a civil rights revolution. This isn’t another social media hashtag trend that will fade out when the newest thing hits. For most of us, this is an extremely emotional time of shock, enlightenment, rage, passion, love, and trauma. Many white people are experiencing a second-hand wave of shame, horror, and deliberate action. But non-POC will never truly be able to know the trauma that Black people and many POC have been living through for centuries.
Right now is an atrocious, beautiful, and long overdue time, but we are far from finished with this kind of work. This is just the catalyst for the years to come—years of actively reinforcing what some of us are just now learning today. The hope is that future generations of Black people and POC can read about the hardships in history class, in disbelief that a world so backwards could hide in plain sight for so long.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Galvan knows that until then, the Black community also needs mental health support to cope and to heal. This grueling work is, in and of itself, no easy task. But there are some simple, inexpensive places to start. Dr. Galvan outlined some self-care tips to heed while fighting for justice, and we’ve listed additional resources at the end:

“Take care of your own needs

It is so important to maintain focus on your basic self-care needs while being flooded with social media chats, television news, and your own feelings. Make sure you’re prioritizing yourself by setting reminders to do simple things such as drinking water, eating meals, and getting enough sleep at night. You need your physical and mental health to increase stamina and energy during this time.

Get active

A great way to process feelings is to let them pour out through physical and/or creative activity. Things like working out, dancing, painting, drawing, cooking, and baking can help release some tension from the body and help sort out your thoughts. It also helps keep the mind and body focused on the present moment.

Connect with the Black community

It’s important to use this time to connect with people who can remind you that you are not alone in what you’re feeling. Connecting in person or through more social-distance-friendly ways including social media pages, podcasts, and books will allow you to connect with others who can empathize with your grief and provide support.

Monitor your media exposure

Although it is imperative to stay informed and aware of what is happening right now, be mindful of how checking the news or social media can become a habit and maybe even addictive sometimes. Try giving yourself designated time slots throughout the day to check the news and be informed, such as 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. This way you can continue to be updated while also preventing yourself from becoming overly anxious and overwhelmed.

Repeat positive affirmations

If affirmations are something that appeal to you, begin by choosing one that feels suitable to your feelings and repeat it often to yourself as a way of staying grounded. The feelings of sadness and anger can become overpowering, and repeating positive affirmations help bring you back to center. Some examples include: ‘Even though I feel enraged and saddened by these horrific acts of racism, I know my feelings are valid and my voice can still be heard’ or ‘I am confident and hopeful that change will come as long as we keep the momentum moving forward.'”

The Best Position (for Most Women) to HAVE INTERNAL ORGASMS

As a mom of two and a pelvic floor trainer, I talk to more women about sex than most. And what do I hear? Women are often not having the sex lives they wish. They’re tired and not feeling engaged with their partner, they just want to “get it over with” or even avoid sex altogether. Lots of women don’t orgasm during intercourse without clitoral stimulation. Just this week a woman told me, “I have never had an orgasm.” Too many women are not only not having orgasms from intercourse, but not climaxing at all.
This is not how it has to be. While clitoral orgasms are amazing, G-spot orgasms are a different kind of incredible orgasm, and most of us are capable of having them. G-spot stimulation can not only lead to vaginal orgasms but also multiple orgasms, alone or in conjunction with clitoral stimulation.
If you are reading and are one of the women not orgasming, I want you to know I used to be right there with you. I had never had vaginal orgasms, let alone multiple orgasms, until I fixed my pelvic floor dysfunction through pelvic floor training. That literally changed it all for me. In order for most women to have vaginal orgasms, including multiple ones, position and movement are key. Trust me, once you know how to get there, you will not want to go back … and neither will your partner.
Now let’s get started on helping you achieve those orgasms you deserve!
POSITION

Position is key. It is by far the easiest, for most women, to have an orgasm from intercourse if they are on top. This allows their hips and nerve pathways to be the most open, helping them climax. You might be thinking: but I hate being on top, it is exhausting and can be vulnerable. So read on to discover how to not feel tired or awkward but instead revved up, powerful, and climaxing.

MOVES TO HELP YOU GET THERE

While lots of partners love an up and down motion, instead try these two tried and true moves, which can be done facing your partner or turned away from your partner while on top (reverse cowgirl). The moves also are much easier and less tiring to do for a long period of time, leaving you energy to keep going and reap the benefits over and over. This will help you stimulate your G-spot to get you those vaginal orgasms.

MOVE 1:


The BEST move to help you achieve internal orgasms is the front-to-back pelvic tilt (see video). Using that motion—sitting tall on top of your partner instead of a stability ball—stimulates the front of your vaginal wall and the internal structure of your clitoris, which can help push you over the edge into those deep internal orgasms you’ve been wanting to have. Stay relaxed and keep doing the pelvic tilts, focusing on going from neutral to a front pelvic tilt. Take your time, there is no rush! This should be pleasurable, not stressful. Once you have one orgasm, keep going—more could be just around the corner. You can also try adding mild clitoral stimulation to enhance your arousal as you feel your way through the process.
MOVE 2:

The other move to help you achieve internal climax is hip circles (see video). Again, move as you do on the stability ball, sitting up tall, rotating your hips in small circles. You can circle your hips continuously in one direction or change it up and alternate directions. Besides helping you climax, it will drive your partner wild—not only will the motion feel incredible for him, but you will also look sexy and powerful. Again, don’t stop once you climax. Both of these moves can help you orgasm over and over.
If you still aren’t getting there with the tips above and the Five Vagina Exercises for Better Sex, know that the stronger and more responsive your pelvic floor is, the easier you will achieve climax, whether internal, clitoral, or blended. Pelvic floor training on a consistent basis can help you have orgasms and potentially even multiple orgasms. While you can’t visually see the results of training your pelvic floor as we can our thighs or our triceps, there are many amazing benefits, and mind-blowing orgasms and sex are at the top of that list for me.Courtney Virden has been a fitness trainer for nearly 20 years and specializes in women’s health and wellness. Being a mom of two and experiencing many issues from her own pregnancies led her to focus on women’s pelvic floors. With her passion for helping others, Courtney created an online program to share the tools and resources she uses with her private clients.
The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

Why do women have orgasms?

The reason for the female orgasm has long eluded scientists. Men need them for reproduction; women don't. So why do female orgasms exist?
Scientists studying this issue are divided, said David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Penn State University. Some scientists think female orgasms are totally purposeless. But evidence suggests that they may have once helped (and perhaps still help) us survive and reproduce.

One theory holds that women have orgasms because men have them, said Kimberly Russell, an ecologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Some researchers argue that female orgasms exist because as fetuses, we all start out with the same basic parts, regardless of sex. Orgasms in women, like nipples on men, just happen to stick around.
Related: What's an orgasm?
"It might be an anatomical bonus," she told Live Science. In this scenario, the orgasm didn't evolve specifically for females, and it might not serve a specific evolutionary function for them.
But there's a problem with the argument that orgasms have no function, said Patricia Brennan, an evolutionary biologist at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts. It's not adaptive for our bodies to devote too much energy to traits, like nipples, that aren't beneficial. These traits tend to disappear or become less pronounced over time. That's far from the case for female orgasms, she said. According to the Kinsey Institute, female orgasms tend to last longer than male orgasms and can occur multiple times in a row — something that's rare in men. In other words, female orgasms use a lot of energy for a trait that supposedly has no function, she said.
Plus, there's nothing diminished about the anatomical structures involved in the female orgasm, Brennan noted.
The clitoris, a highly sensitive part of the female genitals that has a key role in orgasms, is homologous to the penis. Like male and female nipples, they grow from the same anatomical structure. But contrary to popular belief, Brennan told Live Science, "a clitoris is not just a mini penis."

The human clitoris has “structures that are incredibly well developed,” Brennan said. "To me, that screams selection."
There are multiple theories about how, exactly, the female orgasm helped our ancestors pass on their genes. Although women don't need to have an orgasm to conceive, some research suggests that wasn't always the case. Many female mammals, including rabbits and cats, ovulate only when they mate. Based on an analysis of how traits have been passed down through the tree of life, one study published in the Journal of Experimental Zoology found that our female ancestors probably needed orgasms in order to reproduce.
But again, this theory doesn't explain why orgasms stuck around in women, Brennan said.
"If orgasms evolved for some adaptive reason, but they're no longer adaptive, they should have disappeared. And clearly they haven't gone away," Brennan said.
Some research suggests that orgasms still create the perfect conditions for conception — even if they're not necessary to ovulate. One study found that women who had orgasms close to when their male partner did actually "upsucked" more sperm into their bodies compared with women who had orgasms much earlier or later than their partner. Scientists have even tried to draw correlations between the number of orgasms a woman has and the number of children she has. But the evidence for these hypotheses is shaky and doesn't draw a direct causal link between orgasms and conception, Puts told Live Science.
Plus, these theories leave a major question unanswered, Russell said. What if the orgasm has nothing to do with reproduction? What if, instead, it evolved only for pleasure?
Sex doesn't have to feel good for reproduction to take place, Russell said. "We know this from looking at animals! Sex can be very uncomfortable and still gets done," she said. But culturally, the idea that sex might be for more than just babies is somewhat of a taboo topic, Russell said.
Sex that feels good for both males and females has an important social role, Russell said. It relieves stress and helps partners bond. Ancestral humans might have engaged in sex to create more cohesive groups, smoothing over conflict and cementing their social network. We see these behaviors in other primates, like bonobos, who might use sex to help dispel a fight over a tasty piece of fruit or even a clan rivalry, the BBC reports. It follows from this argument that evolutionarily, female orgasms might have acted as a kind of social glue.
That pleasure alone is enough to make a trait adaptive goes against popular conceptions of why sex, and orgasms, exist. But for Brennan, it makes perfect sense. "To experience pleasure — that seems evolutionarily like a good idea," she said.