Should You Talk to Your Friends About Your Sex Life?

STOCKSY

We're often encouraged to keep our mouths shut when it comes to our private lives. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, right? This may be a rule of action we're fed, but does anyone really keep their sex life on the DL? Don't we all have at least one friend we talk to?

How could you not? In such a sex-negative culture, there is very little good information out there on sex. Openly talking about it with your girlfriends is, for many of us, our only outlet.

There is something soothing about reliving every toe-curling detail of your sex life with your friends. Spending time discussing your sex life can also help you figure out issues you may be having with your partner. There aren't many avenues by which to access the right information, so crowd-sourcing (on a micro level) can sometimes be the most reliable way to get advice. Then again, we don't know many women who would want their stories getting back to their partner, especially when it concerns sexual issues.

Is their such a thing as over-sharing with your social circle? Can talking too much about your sex life damage your relationship?

There's a difference between genuine concern and blatant over-sharing

"There is value to keeping certain aspects of your sex life private, which doesn't mean you can't ask questions or try to solve problems," says Madeleine Castellanos, sex expert and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive. "But it means not putting your life out there on display."

Meaning, it's totally OK to ask your girlfriends for advice on certain sexual concerns you might be having, but constantly talking about how gigantic your partner's penis is or how wet your wife gets might be a bit much for some. Then again, if this is your personality, your friends are probably used to it.

The key is to strike a balance. We need to be able to talk about sex without having sex be the one and only thing we ever talk about.

Your friends will usually have great advice and tips

Who better to assist in making your sex life better than the trusted friends who love and adore you? They just want to help. And let's face it, we like to talk about sex. "People love to give their two cents, even if their words of advice are way off," says Castellanos. "Sometimes suggestions and comments from your friends can be helpful, but everyone and every relationship is different, so what may work for them may not have the same effect for you."

Keep in mind that not every piece of advice will apply to you. Always take suggestions with a grain of salt. One of your friends may have a host of ideas on how to make your partner's erections last longer, but upon further investigation, they may not work for your situation. It helps to talk things out, but unless your friends are professional sex therapists, coaches, or educators, they don't have all the answers!

When your sex life is poppin', sometimes staying quiet can be hot

While there is merit to sharing details of your sex life in order to find workable solutions for sexual concerns or share details of some sexy new things you're trying, experts say that keeping some details to yourself can up the ante on your sex drive. It's a buildup of sexual tension within yourself, if you will.

Keeping your lips sealed about what you do between the sheets (and anywhere else around the house wink wink) stokes your sexual desire and excitement because it nurtures and protects your individual eroticism, Castellanos tells us. "Part of what adds eroticism and excitement to a sexual relationship is the specialness that comes with the shared knowledge of the details of that relationship," she explains. "By sharing that information, you risk taking the specialness out of it and reducing it to ordinary.

For example, if everyone knew what your partner looked like when he [or she] reaches orgasm, it might take the eroticism out of it."

Sometimes it's hotter to keep the deets on DL. Who knew? Next time you're itching to tell the girls how your partner tied you to the bed-frame and spanked you, consider keeping it quiet. Your dirty little secret. Is it hot in here or is it just us?

Wedding-Night Sex Moves

It’s hard to imagine, but in a few months—maybe even weeks—your wedding will be behind you. You won’t be engaged to that gorgeous guy anymore; you’ll be his wife. As you leave the reception, you’ll likely be rehashing every detail of your big day. Your new husband, on the other hand, will probably be thinking about one thing and one thing only: hot, steamy wedding-night sex.

"If you’re ever going to go all out or try something new, now’s the time," says Sadie Allison, the San Francisco–based author of Ride ’Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets for Better Bucking, who has a doctorate in human sexuality. "What better wedding gift could you give each other?" Even if you’ve been intimate for years, your first time as husband and wife should be special. Since your to-do list is long enough without adding "come up with sensational new sex positions," we’ve done the legwork for you.

A word of advice: Topping off your wedding night with a big, orgasmic bang is a noble goal, and we’re hoping it happens. But don’t beat yourself up if you’re too tired to do it. That’s what honeymoons are for! With Dr. Sadie’s help, we’ve rounded up some moves guaranteed to make the night you say "I do"—or at least the week after—as memorable as the shindig you spent all those long months planning. Get ready to consummate.

The Move: Missionary Plus

The wow factor: 3 of 5

The difficulty: 2 of 5

The how-to: Add this erotic twist to the traditional guy-on-top position: You lie on your back, and he lies directly on top of you, so you’re face to face. Instead of stretching your legs out on the bed, pull them up and over his shoulders. You can lock your ankles behind his neck for stability.

The benefits: You’ll get lots of intimate eye contact, plus deeper penetration than with plain old missionary sex. Push a pillow under your rear end for perfect G-spot stimulation.

The Move: Down ’n Dirty

The wow factor: 4 of 5

The difficulty: 2 of 5

The how-to: You lie face down on the bed, and he lies directly on top of you and enters you from behind. If he’s not hitting the spot (so to speak) right away, try tucking a rolled-up towel or a small pillow underneath your pelvis to slightly raise your hips; this should help you find the ultimate angle.

The benefits: Lots of skin-on-skin action. Plus, it just feels naughty.(Tip: The tighter you clamp your legs, the more friction you create.)

The Move: Lap Dance

The wow factor: 4 of 5

The difficulty: 2 of 5

The how-to: He sits in one of those cushy hotel chairs, and you climb onto his lap, straddling him with your legs slightly bent. If it’s a big padded seat, you may be able to kneel (and control some of the action). On a smaller chair, your legs will dangle over the sides.

The benefits: No messy covers to get tangled in, lots of visual stimulation, and the fact that you’re doing it anywhere other than the bed automatically makes it adventurous.

The Move: Star Gazing

The wow factor: 3 of 5

The difficulty: 4 of 5

The how-to: He lies on his back, and you lie directly on top of him so that both of you are facing the ceiling—or, if you’re really feeling daring, the stars. You can place your legs outside of his to balance your weight. The movements will be small, and mostly driven by him (if either of you gets too enthusiastic, he could easily slip out). Squeeze your PC muscles as he thrusts, and move your legs wider and closer together until you find the combo that feels best.

The benefits: He’ll love you taking the driver’s seat, for one. More important, you’ll both have access to all of your most sensitive parts.

The Move: Vanity Fare

The wow factor: 5 of 5

The difficulty: 3 of 5

The how-to: You stand facing that opulent hotel mirror and he stands directly behind you, his hands holding your hips. Bend over seductively to support your upper body on the desktop or bathroom counter.

The benefits: You’ve worked your tail off for the past few months to be in the best shape of your life, so why not enjoy the view? And because he’s leaning against you for balance, he can use his hands to explore your every inch—and you both get to watch all that steamy action.

How to Have a Super Sexy Marriage

STOCKSY

What makes married sex life hot is totally subjective. What works for some may not work for others, so what matters is if you're happy with your circumstances.

With that being said, when you're in a long-term, forever relationship, you have to work to keep sex hot. It doesn't just happen on its own; it takes a dual alliance to try new things, explore fantasies, and check in with each other about your feelings.

Falling into a routine is normal. The intense drama of a single life just doesn't exist when you choose a lifelong partner. At the beginning of your relationship, things were likely new and exciting. It's easy to yearn for those early days, but you shouldn't allow yourself to get lost in the nostalgia.

You're in a relationship with the person of your dreams. This is the time to make sex hotter than ever. Monogamy does not equal monotony. Is it work? For sure. Is it doable? Absolutely.

Here is how to have a super sexy, incredibly fulfilling marriage or partnership.

Schedule time for sex.

Scheduling out sex is not exactly the sexiest proposition in the world. Ugh. Adding "SEX" onto your shared Google calendar sounds a bit trite, doesn't it? It shouldn't. In fact, we should relish it.

When we don't make an effort to keep sex alive and consistent, it fades out; it stops being as important as it once was. We're told that we shouldn't do anything we don't want to do and sex should just come naturally—and if it doesn't, oh well. While this has merit (you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do, obviously), sometimes we have to show up for our partner. We need to keep our partnership intimate and alive by nurturing that connection.

Instead of getting annoyed by your bracketed-out sex time, get excited about it. Send your partner a sexy text on "sex day" and let him know how excited you are to strip him later. Use it as a way to fuel to your desire.

Watch porn together.

Watching porn with your partner may sound a bit intimidating, but it's a fabulous way to explore your fantasies. If there is something you've been thinking about but have been too nervous to try, porn is a great place to start.

You don't have to stick to the crappy free RedTube clips geared towards straight men (while unapologetically exploiting women's bodies). You can watch sexy-as-hell porn made by women for women. Check out Erika Lust, TrenchCoatX, and Lust Cinema. You can find porn you'll actually love.

Trust us, your partner is going to be all for this idea. Once you've explored fantasies, you can move toward testing a few in real life. Want to try BDSM? Get some handcuffs. Want to explore spanking? Go for it.

Buy some lingerie that turns you on.

And not just on special occasions. If you're feeling a little blue about your sex life or just want to boost things a little bit, get some lingerie (or any sexy clothing) that turns you on. You want to buy something that makes you feel sexy and good about your body.

This may not be a sexy lacy teddy for everyone. Maybe you feel incredible in a black leather bodysuit or cute pajamas. If you're in the right mindset—a.k.a. confident!—you'll be more inclined to get it on.

Don't forget about foreplay.

It's easy to jump right into sex when we're battling busy schedules at work, crazy family members, and responsibilities. When you have an easy orgasm waiting at home, the simplest thing to do is jump on it and move on with your evening.

Instead, commit to foreplay!

Foreplay shouldn't even be called foreplay. It should be called play, plain and simple. Enjoying each other's bodies is a part of the entire experience. It allows the two of you to connect with each other on a pure, intimate level. This is the person you chose to marry, and you have a bond that exists with no other person on earth.

Buy a sex toy together.

If you're looking to introduce a sex toy into your relationship (please do!) but aren't sure how to go about it, or what your partner might be into, make an excursion of it together. We recommend a trip to your local sex-toy boutique after a few brunch cocktails. It makes for an excellent time.

Shopping for sex toys together forces you to explore territory outside of your comfort zone. You can learn a lot about a person and his or her sexual fantasies based on what they find interesting in a sex shop. Wondering what to buy? We suggest either a couple's vibrator or a clit vibrator for beginners. Plus, this little adventure will definitely turn you both on.

Communicate your desires.

The most important thing on this entire list: communicating your desires with your partner. If something is working for you, let him or her know. If you feel like you're not having enough orgasms, sex, or exploration—say something! Do not suffer in silence.

We're taught not to speak our minds when we're unhappy in the bedroom. We don't want to bruise any egos, right? Wrong.

Your partner is your ally. You two are in this together. You should be able to openly discuss everything, even sex. If you can talk about sex, you will have better, more fulfilling sex. If your partner gets offended or hurt because you're trying to make things better, that's a whole other discussion entirely. Communication is critical for hot sex.